I had a wonderful awful experience with a friend tonight. I hate to call it wonderful when our subject was so heartbreaking. But it is so good and bad to have a friend, friends that have experienced abused to be able to open up and talk with them. To understand how they feel. To relate. I never want for anyone to be abused but for those of us that have been abused , it is like finding a kindred spirit.

We went to a friends house, I knew some of her story, she has been physically abused in a “past life”. She too no longer wants to have any contact with her abuser ( a relative). But the words we shared will touch my life forever.

I think when victims find other victims, they feel validated. You finally hear the words you need to hear because they are the only ones that can say them. It’s not a secret club, not one I would want for anyone to be part of but often times you just know. Automatically, hey! You’re a victim too!

I met this wonderful women and hung out several times before she shared a little of her story with me. I was in a freak out about finding child care, and she got it. She was the same way, less of a freak out because she is a lot more level headed than me! But it was the aftermath of this blog on my life. A time where now I am not going to stay silent. She was one of the first people I bravely told of my background of incest and rape. It was via text message but it was a fresh start. A start to speak and it blossomed to being able to put it into worlds and say out loud. Words I have never spoken to even my family. Freeing. So freeing these words have been!

But tonight sharing our stories of abuse and family drama amazed me. Mainly because our backgrounds are so different yet our stories are “similar”. Maybe I should say feelings are similar. Our abuse was completely different yet very much the same pain and trauma.

We worry about our safety, about our children, about our relationships.

If you’re having a difficult time facing your abuse, I suggest you seek refuge in someone that understands your pain! In a blog here, support group, a friend in your life! We can help each other heal!


How to Save the World

So I have had a heavy heart. I don’t always want to be a stay at home mom/wife. I love my time with my daughter. She’s curled up next to me sleeping now! I hope we adopt children and want to be with them until they start school too. I know I am very blessed to be able to stay with my daughter, don’t miss understand me but I want to do more.

I want to save the world. I will settle with saving a life. My history with incest and rape makes me want to shout loudly to educate the world but I don’t know where to start.

I would like to be trained in something, even if it involved a bit more school. Online would be amazing but not opposed to going in for a few courses. But my struggle is, not knowing what.

I want to work with sexually abused women. Specifically women/teens/children that are or have dealt with incest, molestation or rape. But where do I start? What careers do I look into? What training? What school? WHERE? WHAT?

I worked at a drug and eating disorder rehab center. I was a “recreational therapist”. I really enjoyed the work. I loved working one on one the most but was surprised at my ability to work with groups of over 60 people.

I don’t think I want to be a psychologist or psychiatrist. I want to work with support groups. I want to work one on one with people. I want to incorporate exercise, art, learning material, everything to help the women, these people, these families that have been hurt by these issues.

But what is this called? I need your thoughts and perspectives. I have emailed several people that work with specific groups of people and their advice has been limited.

I don’t know where to start. I don’t know where to look. I took a look at colleges but I don’t know what to look for. I’d call a school, I’ve even talked and emailed them and they don’t seem to understand what I want. They send me in directions that work for them but I want to go in the direction that works for me.

But that is hard when I don’t know what its called, let alone what it is.

Please, please, please. Suggestions, Directions, Thoughts!

Sometimes Feeling Nothing is Best

You know, I get really frustrated. Frustrated I can’t spell brain. I’ve never been able to because my brother ( I use that turn loosely here because I don’t consider him that any longer but so you understand the relationship and my confusion with the word) anyways, my brothers name is Brian. I curse my parents now for naming him that! Not that they knew he would be my molester, but he was. Feels good to put his name out there!

I learned to spell Brian first. So I was taught brain is the other way. So now, with my brain fog, brain problems I have reverted back to old habits. Always having to figure out which is brain and which is Brian. Auto correct has helped some but I still have to type one of them to know which!

Handwriting brain, is much harder. Trying to figure out which is which. It seems so elementary. I should know. But now I’ve concluded that Brian fucked with my brain. Fitting word, I wouldn’t normally type it out to post, but it’s accurate!

Still achieving that now after years of not talking to him. Can I add that to my list of reasons why you can’t just get over being molested! I’m glad I don’t know the names of my rapists, that I never checked those court documents or restraining orders I kept for over a year always in arms length.

But as for Brain. …un yes, see what happens when I capitalize before I spell out brain. I mean, but as for Brian, it’s a curse.

But I need that reminder to not forget. To not be cautious about this subject. Sexual child abuse happens. Happens more than statistics even know because people stay silent. But I won’t stay silent anymore. I will speak out against incest, molestation, child sexual abuse, rape, sexual abuse and abuse!

I’ve always said love and hate are the same thing. Sure, you respond differently but the feelings are the same. The passion of love or the passion of hate ! I don’t want to hate anyone, I would rather feel nothing for someone than have hate for them, to give them my energy of thinking about them, talking about them, feeling rage for them.

I hate my brother, I hate Brian, but I don’t want to anymore. I don’t want too give him energy. I just want too feel nothing about him. I think finally realizing I need to look at this brain Brian thing as a gift from God to never forget to fight for a better world, an educated world, a less ignorant world!

Maybe this is the first step to not hating Brian. To feeling nothing for him. We will see, I’ll let you know the process because I’m sad to know you have also felt this way.

How have you gotten over hate? How have you been able to move past and not care about your abuser?



So like I said in my last posts, I have an appointment with my therapist in a few hours. Yes procrastination at the finest.

So here we go…

Priorities for therapy:

1. Calming my Anxiety
2. Deal with Anger towards my Brother and Family
3. Deciding what to say to my Family when I Finally face them and Talk about what Happened
4. How to Handle it when it doesn’t go as Expectated
5. Working on Expectation:
-My Own
-My Husbands
-My Family
-Not having as Many
6. Show for My Appointments
-Make Time and Not Cancel
-Not be Scared to do This

My Personal Priorities

1. Devote some Time to Myself
-Learn/Play my Beautiful Guitar
-Work on Crafts/Art/Selling for myself and My Business
-Learn Spanish
-Look at More School/Plan my Next Step to help
-My Bible
-Devotional Books
-Learning/Growth Books
-Fun Books

2. Spend more Quality Time with my Daughter
– Enjoy her
-Show her Love
-Not Stess Around her

3. Spending More Quality Time with my Husband
-Doing Things Other than TV
-Not hold Past Issues Towards our Future
-Have More Intamcy (goes along with previous)
-Be Fun and Happy Around the Short Amount of Time we Have Together
-Be Thankful of All he Does Do
-Be Forgetfull of All he Doesn’t Do
-Show More Love

For now, that’s what I got. And a plus, I did my homework before my Appointment. Or in the parking lot or lobby!

A Life Well Wasted

A Life Well Wasted

An awful person I might be as I’ve said before I really enjoy when Locked Up Raw comes on and I can hope to see my brothers face amongst the guys in prison for finally something. People wonder how I can watch these shows, especially to fall asleep to them. It gives me great relaxation thinking of my abuser behind bars, where he should be. Not freely to be around kids, his own or others, to be locked up away from the ability to put anyone’s life in a tail spin like mine.

That’s all folks, dream state I am and grave photo inspired me to write, check out the link.

Again we will speak soon,


Missing in Action

I have been missing in action lately. Through blogging and reading more, I have found some frustrating things about myself. I’ve wanted to write but have been so exhausted. For once I am not depressed about it.

I was creating another blog, I’m sure soon I’ll post it. As I’ve said before, this is my journals, my thoughts, things I’m looking into and thinking about. But I realized I am a bitch. For those that don’t like that word but in my blog to come, I will explain that that word to me, has always described me.

But lately, well probably the last two years as I’ve been in pain and dealing with being raped and also dealing with the incestual relationship with my brother that I’ve been bitching. It’s taken over every aspect.

I know my history will never be normal but I know now, reading your blogs, seeing how everyone has dealt with their own personal histories, all different histories has given me hope. Hope of a different life.

Change is hard. I’ve been clearing out all the junk in my past with my organizer and it has helped me relax and focus a little more about me. My office and bedroom are done, my garage is now a work in progress but it’s there. We have a place to work out, I’m spending time with my family but finally being more independent.

I have a place to read, I have a place to relax, I have a place to create. My life after several years is freeing up my mental, physical, spiritual, emotional space in my head. I am learning. I am growing. It has been amazing a little scary and a lot of rewards.

I apologize to my friends and family that talk to me daily and weekly. I have been abusing and I finally realized how much bitching I do to y’all and how me focused I’ve been. I finally realized my phone isn’t ringing as much. I’m not getting response from people. I know people are busy, I know they lead different lives than me. That I need to keep my bitchings to myself more. Grow up and handle my life more. I don’t want to loose the few friends I have that have been there and been true friends.

There is a differences from communicating and bitching. It’s been really hard, I mean it’s only been a week of trying to limit it. I’ve realized my anxiety plays a big role, in my communicating and bitching. I had one day of bitching, worrying about my husbands room secretly being organized. I was so anxious it turned out wrong, if his pride would be hurt, if he would hate it. I should have relaxed, done something on my own to relax and then try to communicate.

But otherwise my weeks been better. I am excited for my revelations. I am excited for this growth. It has made me realize all my friends and family have been put through these past two years on top of jobs, school, kids, marriages.

It made me realize I love being a stay at home mom but I am burnt out. I think that’s probably normal to military wives and even more single moms. I hear my husband snoring in the next room where he thinks my daughter is asleep next to him. This happens so frequently. I’m finally seeing my husband does so much for us and he is frustrated with work and life.

That I have to accept change. I’ve always been so pro change, my recently ex friend was so scared of change and change makes me excited. I think I’ve been so disappointed with our lives in the military. I thought we would always be moving, my husband would always being deployed and returning. ( sorry for those sensitive to deployments, I totally agree the are stressful and can be awful) I just enjoyed the change, new places, new switch in our lives. But that’s not been the case my husbands home, but not really here. His schedule is rough, we are in a state I hate. None of my expectations for military life have been met.

I need to accept that, that this is my life and I need to lead it. I’ve got to find my outlets. I can’t workout much cause of my pain but need to be happy I’m getting to do it a little at a time. That motherhood, majority on my own is hard and frustrating but it’s life. I need to enjoy my time with my daughter because soon ( like 2 years she will be off to school).

I am ready to do some stuff for me. I have a guitar begging to be learned and played. I have wanted to learn Spanish, I need to set times in the day. ( nap times maybe) and find a way to do it. Online, taking a beginners class a couple nights a week. Which would be a great way to meet people.

I need to figure out what I want to do next. Become a physical therapy assistant or just do masters and doctorate to eventually teach some college courses and coach a college team. Figure out what I want but also be good for my families.

I think I’ve had to do a lot of mind searching because I’m finally having “homework” with her. I’ve avoided two appointments. She wants a list of priorities. She didn’t specify what kind of priorities for our sessions or priorities for my life. And I’m finally figuring out both. I have an appointment Monday that I finally have kept. I’m ready to answer both for her.

Wow a lot of talk after bitching. I hope to stop bitching so much to y’all too. I’m trying to change. I want to change.

Post again soon. Thanks for reading,