Finally, Im finding several other bloggers that understand what Im going through. But this blogger totally hit home. I have lost some friends, well one in particular because she didn’t understand me.
First let me give you the link
She said, “Once any one starts having to keep something secret, it starts plugging up emotionally, until it blocks up just about everything” This totally hits home for me. Those that know me now and even before I told my dirty secret of being molested by my brother know that I never promise not to tell someone. This might seem unbelievable to some but I have to vent. Especially now. I tell them I almost always tell someone uninvolved. But after living with a dark secret for so long, you just don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to start that again, ever.
My college friend C, taught me to always be honest. To put everything upfront and out there. That its better to be honest than to lie to someone. She taught me that you can always be truthful because people can’t stay mad at you for being honest. If they are, you don’t need them in your life. Yes, it may hurt someone initially but in the end they would appreciate someone saying exactly how it is, how you feel, what you think than someone that is just going to lie to you.
Like I said before, I have to vent. Especially if its something I need to think about before really responding. Its hard for me to be an “honest” person. Ive been keeping secrets all my life. I have told people (my parents, my family, my friends) what they wanted to hear or what they needed to hear for as long as I can remember. So now, it doesn’t come easy, but I know its best. I am quick to get angry, (I’m trying to work on that but its a work in progress) so I need to vent. Talk about how I’m feeling then I decided if its important enough to say or not. Unlike my normal vent buddy C, who now has honesty down to a T!
Some people don’t get that, they think I am talking about them behind their backs. I get that, I really do but I never mean it to cause harm. Its just I haven’t learned yet to trust myself. To trust myself with telling the truth, to be honest. I know this blog will help. Finally telling the truth about the past will help me be honest now.
The Church plays into this one. Always told to tell the truth, something I SHOULD have learned early in life. But what if you didn’t know what was happening to you was wrong. Like I said before, I knew not to tell what my brother was doing. But I didn’t fully understand it, I was 5 when it started. I didn’t know it was wrong. Not till I was in 4th grade, when a friend was talking about first kisses. By then, it had happened so many years, it felt too late to tell the truth. I had been living a lie, that I didn’t even know was a lie for years.
Plus they teach you at church and in my home, kissing is for married people or grown ups. Sex, touching, fondling, anything with a guy is wrong. Girls don’t do that. Good girls don’t do that. Your parents say this and you’re suppose to honor them. I knew that I couldn’t tell the truth. That the truth would hurt them. That I needed to protect them. So I kept it inside. 18 years, I kept it all inside. Until I couldn’t anymore. I told my first boyfriend. He told me I had to tell my parents or he wouldn’t stay with me. Eventually it ended, I couldn’t tell. (I don’t count as telling him in earlier blogs because he didn’t comfort me, he just gave me an ultimatum, it never came up again.) The second person I told was my best friend in college, A, my romantic interest, the one I called the night I was raped. The one I knew, knew everything. That would understand my only question, “why does this always happen to me?” He knew. He never judged me for it. He didn’t hold me any different. Treat me any different, love me any different for having this happen to me.
This is the frustration I have with the church. I just think it should be different. People need to expect that it happens. A rough google search, RAINN says “1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime (14.8% completed rape; 2.8% attempted rape).” I see that as, 1 in 6 church people have experienced this. Thats an awful tragic number. Thats only WOMEN. The Church needs to talk about this. They need to realize this when they are teaching their children. That this happens and its ok to speak up. Parents, you need to educate your children and give them an environment they can feel free to talk about this and speak up.
Famous response since I told by family and friends, “why didn’t you tell me?” because I couldn’t. It would change me in your eyes. It would make me dirty, evil, wrong, a sinner. When thats anything but the truth. My brother, my rapist, they were dirty, evil, wrong and sinners, not me. Especially since majority of my friends had grown up in the same church environment.
Thanks for reading, please feel free to post or email. I included the RAINN info I just quick checked about the statistics.
RAINN Statistics of Rape