How to Save the World


So I have had a heavy heart. I don’t always want to be a stay at home mom/wife. I love my time with my daughter. She’s curled up next to me sleeping now! I hope we adopt children and want to be with them until they start school too. I know I am very blessed to be able to stay with my daughter, don’t miss understand me but I want to do more.

I want to save the world. I will settle with saving a life. My history with incest and rape makes me want to shout loudly to educate the world but I don’t know where to start.

I would like to be trained in something, even if it involved a bit more school. Online would be amazing but not opposed to going in for a few courses. But my struggle is, not knowing what.

I want to work with sexually abused women. Specifically women/teens/children that are or have dealt with incest, molestation or rape. But where do I start? What careers do I look into? What training? What school? WHERE? WHAT?

I worked at a drug and eating disorder rehab center. I was a “recreational therapist”. I really enjoyed the work. I loved working one on one the most but was surprised at my ability to work with groups of over 60 people.

I don’t think I want to be a psychologist or psychiatrist. I want to work with support groups. I want to work one on one with people. I want to incorporate exercise, art, learning material, everything to help the women, these people, these families that have been hurt by these issues.

But what is this called? I need your thoughts and perspectives. I have emailed several people that work with specific groups of people and their advice has been limited.

I don’t know where to start. I don’t know where to look. I took a look at colleges but I don’t know what to look for. I’d call a school, I’ve even talked and emailed them and they don’t seem to understand what I want. They send me in directions that work for them but I want to go in the direction that works for me.

But that is hard when I don’t know what its called, let alone what it is.

Please, please, please. Suggestions, Directions, Thoughts!

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Sometimes, it is About Me


I get really frustrated these days. I’m not sure why now and not so much before. Maybe I’m angrier, maybe I don’t care as much about pleasing everyone else. But I need it to be about me.

I kept my pain, my hurt, my trauma to myself for so long that I think people think that I am doing ok. And sure, some days I am. But most days, it’s a real struggle. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD. So I think people think this is just depression. That I will just snap out of it but I won’t.

I’m not saying I won’t have better days, that things won’t be better. But what my brother did to me, will always effect me. It’s not just something I can drop. Not just something I can go on longer pretending didn’t happen and all is well for the people around me.

With that, with this blog, I am healing. I have several people in my life that have allowed me to speak freely and accepted what I said without throwing in how it makes someone else feel. I greatly appreciate those people that realize sometimes, it is about me.

For what, 24 years or something. I’ve worried how everyone else will feel. My parents, my siblings, my family, my friends, our church, culture. It’s time for me to worry about me. I would love for them to feel the same but I can’t make anyone feel the same but I have a voice now.

Sometimes, it’s about me. Sometimes I might hurt you by what I say or what I do but I need to share my thoughts and feelings and not be reminded of what happened to me, hurt everyone. I know that.

I KNOW that, that’s why it took me so many years to finally tell. But it wasn’t me that did wrong, it was my brother. I should be free to say that. I should be able to say how much it hurt me. I should be able to freely be able to say, it still hurts me.

It effects me daily, looking in the mirror, thinking of my baby girl. Don’t tell me to get over it, don’t tell me to forgive. And don’t tell me how it hurt you. How it hurt everyone. Sometimes, it is about me.

Those things only makes me feel worse. Because that says to me, what I did hurt everyone. It puts blame back on me when I have no blame in what my brother did to me.

I will not stay quiet anymore. I will protect myself and my feelings by speaking up and speaking out. Sometimes, it’s about me.

I don’t want to hear how well he is doing. I don’t want to know how his life is going back together while mine feels like it is falling apart. No matter what he does with his life, it will not make me take back what he has done to me, nor should it. I will not trust him, I will not subject myself to being around him.

The family we had, wasn’t lost when I spoke out. The family we had was lost when my brother molested me. I will feel no guilt about it now. He made the same decision time and time again for years. He made the decision long past a time he knew better. I did not. He took my decision from me. He betrayed the family.

Me speaking up, does not betray the family. It embarrasses the family, society, the norm. And that, is not on me. If I embarrass you for something I am finally coming to terms about, it’s not about you. It’s about me.

I will no longer let my brother have a hold on my life, I no longer will let him keep my mouth shut. I will be allowed to speak up because sometimes, it’s about me.

GraySkyHippie

Easter, Belief in God after Sexual Abuse


I’ve realized I probably haven’t made it Clear that I believe Bible is Gods written word. I do believe it’s ancient book full of people’s stories. But stories God wanted us to remember now.

I celebrate Easter not for the candy and Easter bunny but because I believe God suffered for us. He was nailed to the cross. It’s a reminder that God went through trials, through condemnation He did not deserve. That He was beaten, He was nailed to the cross. He deserved none of this, so he understands abuse, sexual abuse, incest and molestation. He too knows what it feels like and was un rightfully was killed for what He did not do. But in much higher form, He was perfect, without sin.

He did that for us. For our sins. So we can be forgiven if we just simply accept He carried that burden for us and that He is Lord. Today in church, sitting through Easter sunday church service, He showed me a new perspective, I’m sure from the openness this blog has given me but to feel Jesus’s pain more vividly than ever before. I did not deserve that sexual abuse I received growing up or later in college and Jesus knows my pain and confusion 100 times over because He hadn’t even thought a wrong thing in His life yet he was beaten, abused, killed because of it.

I also am reminded at Easter that Jesus was able to show all those around then, and all who believe now that He un rightfully suffered and was raised from the dead. Something miraculous . To show He wasn’t just man but also God.

That made me think of what amazing things God can have in store for us. Those who silently suffer and have done no wrong, those who are abused, molested. It was such a strong story that his pain didn’t go in vein and neither do ours.

In no way do I think I am or we should compare ourselves to God/Jesus. But I do think hearing the Easter story after writing this blog allowed me too see a whole different side of things.

That I wanted you to understand I fully believe in God. That my issue is more with Church not growing in knowledge of incest, sexual abuse and trauma into its teachings. Especially since often times the abuse can come from their own church leaders or worshipers. They need to have a more open mindset.

That reaching people isn’t one size fits all but Jesus is. And His character was one much different than shown in many churches. He always surrounded Himself with those less fortunate, He didn’t do it once a year. He came to the sinners level and helped explain the God/Father He loved. That was forever many years ago and He didn’t use scare tactics you see in churches today. He used love, compassion, understanding and patiently teaching.

Where has all that gone? He showed through His life, the way He acted that He was the son of God and I believe we as the Christian I want to be, walk around and show what kind of trust and belief we have in Him without giving them the what Roman Road Rules? (Been a while since we had to go out evangelizing.) God doesn’t need us to save people, He has done enough to show His Love by sending His guiltless son to die for us and forgive our sins. I believe He does and can use us to help show others God is grace, mercy, love not wrath and hate as I seem to feel lots of people feel today.

And I feel like church has come more about what you wear or who you know. Jesus didn’t care what you looked liked, how you dressed or who you were. The church today is condemning those very same people that Jesus would have sat to dinner with, shown His love to.

I just don’t want to be part of churches that are gay bashing, or sit outside abortion clinics with pamphlets about how they are going to Hell for aborting their baby, or look strangely at people with tattoos, or piercings. (Trying to think of less harsher examples but going blank, it will come after I post hah I’ll leave it in the comments). And let’s note here there are several churches that I believe strive hard to be open to anyone. But I think a lot are stuck in an ancient book when God is here, present. But….

My God is stronger than that, He is better than that, He would show those people love and mercy. He would be kind. And I think that’s the part of Christianity we should focus on not always the one of the rules. Rule followers or rule breakers.

Then people would feel differently about the church today. People might feel welcome to come. Welcome to come in ask questions, free to understand how great my God can be. Not see what I thinks the worst side of Him.

But churches today choose to tend to ignore experiences like mine of the many others reading my blog. That maybe my church experience, was different. Ridden with guilt from what my brother was doing to me. And who knows if it had been taught to me from any of my elementary-college life, I might have come clean to someone about what my brother did to me. Instead of hiding away in fear of what happened, might have known how much my family, friends and church would have backed me up. Backed them up instead of probably looking at them with disgust and shame.

But today I want you to know I believe in Jesus and that He has risen indeed.

 

Image

 

GraySkyHippie

Easter, Belief in God after Sexual Abuse


I’ve realized I probably haven’t made it Clear that I believe Bible is Gods written word. I do believe it’s ancient book full of people’s stories. But stories God wanted us to remember now.

I celebrate Easter not for the candy and Easter bunny but because I believe God suffered for us. He was nailed to the cross. It’s a reminder that God went through trials, through condemnation He did not deserve. That He was beaten, He was nailed to the cross. He deserved none of this, so he understands abuse, sexual abuse, incest and molestation. He too knows what it feels like and was un rightfully was killed for what He did not do. But in much higher form, He was perfect, without sin.

He did that for us. For our sins. So we can be forgiven if we just simply accept He carried that burden for us and that He is Lord. Today in church, sitting through Easter sunday church service, He showed me a new perspective, I’m sure from the openness this blog has given me but to feel Jesus’s pain more vividly than ever before. I did not deserve that sexual abuse I received growing up or later in college and Jesus knows my pain and confusion 100 times over because He hadn’t even thought a wrong thing in His life yet he was beaten, abused, killed because of it.

I also am reminded at Easter that Jesus was able to show all those around then, and all who believe now that He un rightfully suffered and was raised from the dead. Something miraculous . To show He wasn’t just man but also God.

That made me think of what amazing things God can have in store for us. Those who silently suffer and have done no wrong, those who are abused, molested. It was such a strong story that his pain didn’t go in vein and neither do ours.

In no way do I think I am or we should compare ourselves to God/Jesus. But I do think hearing the Easter story after writing this blog allowed me too see a whole different side of things.

That I wanted you to understand I fully believe in God. That my issue is more with Church not growing in knowledge of incest, sexual abuse and trauma into its teachings. Especially since often times the abuse can come from their own church leaders or worshipers. They need to have a more open mindset.

That reaching people isn’t one size fits all but Jesus is. And His character was one much different than shown in many churches. He always surrounded Himself with those less fortunate, He didn’t do it once a year. He came to the sinners level and helped explain the God/Father He loved. That was forever many years ago and He didn’t use scare tactics you see in churches today. He used love, compassion, understanding and patiently teaching.

Where has all that gone? He showed through His life, the way He acted that He was the son of God and I believe we as the Christian I want to be, walk around and show what kind of trust and belief we have in Him without giving them the what Roman Road Rules? (Been a while since we had to go out evangelizing.) God doesn’t need us to save people, He has done enough to show His Love by sending His guiltless son to die for us and forgive our sins. I believe He does and can use us to help show others God is grace, mercy, love not wrath and hate as I seem to feel lots of people feel today.

And I feel like church has come more about what you wear or who you know. Jesus didn’t care what you looked liked, how you dressed or who you were. The church today is condemning those very same people that Jesus would have sat to dinner with, shown His love to.

I just don’t want to be part of churches that are gay bashing, or sit outside abortion clinics with pamphlets about how they are going to Hell for aborting their baby, or look strangely at people with tattoos, or piercings. (Trying to think of less harsher examples but going blank, it will come after I post hah I’ll leave it in the comments). And let’s note here there are several churches that I believe strive hard to be open to anyone. But I think a lot are stuck in an ancient book when God is here, present. But….

My God is stronger than that, He is better than that, He would show those people love and mercy. He would be kind. And I think that’s the part of Christianity we should focus on not always the one of the rules. Rule followers or rule breakers.

Then people would feel differently about the church today. People might feel welcome to come. Welcome to come in ask questions, free to understand how great my God can be. Not see what I thinks the worst side of Him.

But churches today choose to tend to ignore experiences like mine of the many others reading my blog. That maybe my church experience, was different. Ridden with guilt from what my brother was doing to me. And who knows if it had been taught to me from any of my elementary-college life, I might have come clean to someone about what my brother did to me. Instead of hiding away in fear of what happened, might have known how much my family, friends and church would have backed me up. Backed them up instead of probably looking at them with disgust and shame.

But today I want you to know I believe in Jesus and that He has risen indeed.