Missing in Action

I have been missing in action lately. Through blogging and reading more, I have found some frustrating things about myself. I’ve wanted to write but have been so exhausted. For once I am not depressed about it.

I was creating another blog, I’m sure soon I’ll post it. As I’ve said before, this is my journals, my thoughts, things I’m looking into and thinking about. But I realized I am a bitch. For those that don’t like that word but in my blog to come, I will explain that that word to me, has always described me.

But lately, well probably the last two years as I’ve been in pain and dealing with being raped and also dealing with the incestual relationship with my brother that I’ve been bitching. It’s taken over every aspect.

I know my history will never be normal but I know now, reading your blogs, seeing how everyone has dealt with their own personal histories, all different histories has given me hope. Hope of a different life.

Change is hard. I’ve been clearing out all the junk in my past with my organizer and it has helped me relax and focus a little more about me. My office and bedroom are done, my garage is now a work in progress but it’s there. We have a place to work out, I’m spending time with my family but finally being more independent.

I have a place to read, I have a place to relax, I have a place to create. My life after several years is freeing up my mental, physical, spiritual, emotional space in my head. I am learning. I am growing. It has been amazing a little scary and a lot of rewards.

I apologize to my friends and family that talk to me daily and weekly. I have been abusing and I finally realized how much bitching I do to y’all and how me focused I’ve been. I finally realized my phone isn’t ringing as much. I’m not getting response from people. I know people are busy, I know they lead different lives than me. That I need to keep my bitchings to myself more. Grow up and handle my life more. I don’t want to loose the few friends I have that have been there and been true friends.

There is a differences from communicating and bitching. It’s been really hard, I mean it’s only been a week of trying to limit it. I’ve realized my anxiety plays a big role, in my communicating and bitching. I had one day of bitching, worrying about my husbands room secretly being organized. I was so anxious it turned out wrong, if his pride would be hurt, if he would hate it. I should have relaxed, done something on my own to relax and then try to communicate.

But otherwise my weeks been better. I am excited for my revelations. I am excited for this growth. It has made me realize all my friends and family have been put through these past two years on top of jobs, school, kids, marriages.

It made me realize I love being a stay at home mom but I am burnt out. I think that’s probably normal to military wives and even more single moms. I hear my husband snoring in the next room where he thinks my daughter is asleep next to him. This happens so frequently. I’m finally seeing my husband does so much for us and he is frustrated with work and life.

That I have to accept change. I’ve always been so pro change, my recently ex friend was so scared of change and change makes me excited. I think I’ve been so disappointed with our lives in the military. I thought we would always be moving, my husband would always being deployed and returning. ( sorry for those sensitive to deployments, I totally agree the are stressful and can be awful) I just enjoyed the change, new places, new switch in our lives. But that’s not been the case my husbands home, but not really here. His schedule is rough, we are in a state I hate. None of my expectations for military life have been met.

I need to accept that, that this is my life and I need to lead it. I’ve got to find my outlets. I can’t workout much cause of my pain but need to be happy I’m getting to do it a little at a time. That motherhood, majority on my own is hard and frustrating but it’s life. I need to enjoy my time with my daughter because soon ( like 2 years she will be off to school).

I am ready to do some stuff for me. I have a guitar begging to be learned and played. I have wanted to learn Spanish, I need to set times in the day. ( nap times maybe) and find a way to do it. Online, taking a beginners class a couple nights a week. Which would be a great way to meet people.

I need to figure out what I want to do next. Become a physical therapy assistant or just do masters and doctorate to eventually teach some college courses and coach a college team. Figure out what I want but also be good for my families.

I think I’ve had to do a lot of mind searching because I’m finally having “homework” with her. I’ve avoided two appointments. She wants a list of priorities. She didn’t specify what kind of priorities for our sessions or priorities for my life. And I’m finally figuring out both. I have an appointment Monday that I finally have kept. I’m ready to answer both for her.

Wow a lot of talk after bitching. I hope to stop bitching so much to y’all too. I’m trying to change. I want to change.

Post again soon. Thanks for reading,