To All the Broken Girls


I am daily touched by the lives that are portrayed in these blogs. Today I want to take the time to write to all the broken girls.


I am so deeply sorry for the abuse and trauma you have been faced with. I wish I could take all your pain and heartbreak away.  I am so sorry that you have been broken and wounded. 

You need to know, it’s not your fault. That you don’t deserve to be broken, that you don’t deserve to be hurting, scared, frustrated or lonely.  

You need to know people are listening, they are here reading and feeling your pain right along beside you. You need to know that you aren’t alone and that you are loved.

You are loved because you are lovable. Often times brokenness makes us feel like we are not deserving of love but we are. 

You might not have family or friends. You might have those, like I do and still feel so broke and alone but we have each other. You can find so much healing and grace in these women on these blogs.  It is possible to put our pieces back together and embrace the new masterpiece we have become.

The abuse we have been through is not the ending of our stories but the turn we were unfortunately forced to take. It’s time to embrace the change in direction and love the people we have become.  It’s ok to be broken. 

With our brokenness we are no longer the same as everyone else. You have unique pieces, shaped like no one else. We can adjust to the new us if we let go of the image we have of what we used to be.


If you’re broken, don’t be scared to comment below, I’d love to take a look at your blog, listen to your story! Even post a link to some of your work you’d really like me to read because I want to read. 

Broken with you,

GraySkyHippie

( 9/16/14 b) 
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Healing


I had a wonderful awful experience with a friend tonight. I hate to call it wonderful when our subject was so heartbreaking. But it is so good and bad to have a friend, friends that have experienced abused to be able to open up and talk with them. To understand how they feel. To relate. I never want for anyone to be abused but for those of us that have been abused , it is like finding a kindred spirit.

We went to a friends house, I knew some of her story, she has been physically abused in a “past life”. She too no longer wants to have any contact with her abuser ( a relative). But the words we shared will touch my life forever.

I think when victims find other victims, they feel validated. You finally hear the words you need to hear because they are the only ones that can say them. It’s not a secret club, not one I would want for anyone to be part of but often times you just know. Automatically, hey! You’re a victim too!

I met this wonderful women and hung out several times before she shared a little of her story with me. I was in a freak out about finding child care, and she got it. She was the same way, less of a freak out because she is a lot more level headed than me! But it was the aftermath of this blog on my life. A time where now I am not going to stay silent. She was one of the first people I bravely told of my background of incest and rape. It was via text message but it was a fresh start. A start to speak and it blossomed to being able to put it into worlds and say out loud. Words I have never spoken to even my family. Freeing. So freeing these words have been!

But tonight sharing our stories of abuse and family drama amazed me. Mainly because our backgrounds are so different yet our stories are “similar”. Maybe I should say feelings are similar. Our abuse was completely different yet very much the same pain and trauma.

We worry about our safety, about our children, about our relationships.

If you’re having a difficult time facing your abuse, I suggest you seek refuge in someone that understands your pain! In a blog here, support group, a friend in your life! We can help each other heal!

How to Save the World


So I have had a heavy heart. I don’t always want to be a stay at home mom/wife. I love my time with my daughter. She’s curled up next to me sleeping now! I hope we adopt children and want to be with them until they start school too. I know I am very blessed to be able to stay with my daughter, don’t miss understand me but I want to do more.

I want to save the world. I will settle with saving a life. My history with incest and rape makes me want to shout loudly to educate the world but I don’t know where to start.

I would like to be trained in something, even if it involved a bit more school. Online would be amazing but not opposed to going in for a few courses. But my struggle is, not knowing what.

I want to work with sexually abused women. Specifically women/teens/children that are or have dealt with incest, molestation or rape. But where do I start? What careers do I look into? What training? What school? WHERE? WHAT?

I worked at a drug and eating disorder rehab center. I was a “recreational therapist”. I really enjoyed the work. I loved working one on one the most but was surprised at my ability to work with groups of over 60 people.

I don’t think I want to be a psychologist or psychiatrist. I want to work with support groups. I want to work one on one with people. I want to incorporate exercise, art, learning material, everything to help the women, these people, these families that have been hurt by these issues.

But what is this called? I need your thoughts and perspectives. I have emailed several people that work with specific groups of people and their advice has been limited.

I don’t know where to start. I don’t know where to look. I took a look at colleges but I don’t know what to look for. I’d call a school, I’ve even talked and emailed them and they don’t seem to understand what I want. They send me in directions that work for them but I want to go in the direction that works for me.

But that is hard when I don’t know what its called, let alone what it is.

Please, please, please. Suggestions, Directions, Thoughts!

Priorities


So like I said in my last posts, I have an appointment with my therapist in a few hours. Yes procrastination at the finest.

So here we go…

Priorities for therapy:

1. Calming my Anxiety
2. Deal with Anger towards my Brother and Family
3. Deciding what to say to my Family when I Finally face them and Talk about what Happened
4. How to Handle it when it doesn’t go as Expectated
5. Working on Expectation:
-My Own
-My Husbands
-My Family
-Not having as Many
6. Show for My Appointments
-Make Time and Not Cancel
-Not be Scared to do This

My Personal Priorities

1. Devote some Time to Myself
-Learn/Play my Beautiful Guitar
-Work on Crafts/Art/Selling for myself and My Business
-Learn Spanish
-Look at More School/Plan my Next Step to help
-Read
-My Bible
-Devotional Books
-Learning/Growth Books
-Fun Books

2. Spend more Quality Time with my Daughter
– Enjoy her
-Show her Love
-Not Stess Around her

3. Spending More Quality Time with my Husband
-Doing Things Other than TV
-Not hold Past Issues Towards our Future
-Have More Intamcy (goes along with previous)
-Be Fun and Happy Around the Short Amount of Time we Have Together
-Be Thankful of All he Does Do
-Be Forgetfull of All he Doesn’t Do
-Show More Love

For now, that’s what I got. And a plus, I did my homework before my Appointment. Or in the parking lot or lobby!

A Life Well Wasted


A Life Well Wasted

An awful person I might be as I’ve said before I really enjoy when Locked Up Raw comes on and I can hope to see my brothers face amongst the guys in prison for finally something. People wonder how I can watch these shows, especially to fall asleep to them. It gives me great relaxation thinking of my abuser behind bars, where he should be. Not freely to be around kids, his own or others, to be locked up away from the ability to put anyone’s life in a tail spin like mine.

That’s all folks, dream state I am and grave photo inspired me to write, check out the link.

Again we will speak soon,

GraySkyHippie

Missing in Action


I have been missing in action lately. Through blogging and reading more, I have found some frustrating things about myself. I’ve wanted to write but have been so exhausted. For once I am not depressed about it.

I was creating another blog, I’m sure soon I’ll post it. As I’ve said before, this is my journals, my thoughts, things I’m looking into and thinking about. But I realized I am a bitch. For those that don’t like that word but in my blog to come, I will explain that that word to me, has always described me.

But lately, well probably the last two years as I’ve been in pain and dealing with being raped and also dealing with the incestual relationship with my brother that I’ve been bitching. It’s taken over every aspect.

I know my history will never be normal but I know now, reading your blogs, seeing how everyone has dealt with their own personal histories, all different histories has given me hope. Hope of a different life.

Change is hard. I’ve been clearing out all the junk in my past with my organizer and it has helped me relax and focus a little more about me. My office and bedroom are done, my garage is now a work in progress but it’s there. We have a place to work out, I’m spending time with my family but finally being more independent.

I have a place to read, I have a place to relax, I have a place to create. My life after several years is freeing up my mental, physical, spiritual, emotional space in my head. I am learning. I am growing. It has been amazing a little scary and a lot of rewards.

I apologize to my friends and family that talk to me daily and weekly. I have been abusing and I finally realized how much bitching I do to y’all and how me focused I’ve been. I finally realized my phone isn’t ringing as much. I’m not getting response from people. I know people are busy, I know they lead different lives than me. That I need to keep my bitchings to myself more. Grow up and handle my life more. I don’t want to loose the few friends I have that have been there and been true friends.

There is a differences from communicating and bitching. It’s been really hard, I mean it’s only been a week of trying to limit it. I’ve realized my anxiety plays a big role, in my communicating and bitching. I had one day of bitching, worrying about my husbands room secretly being organized. I was so anxious it turned out wrong, if his pride would be hurt, if he would hate it. I should have relaxed, done something on my own to relax and then try to communicate.

But otherwise my weeks been better. I am excited for my revelations. I am excited for this growth. It has made me realize all my friends and family have been put through these past two years on top of jobs, school, kids, marriages.

It made me realize I love being a stay at home mom but I am burnt out. I think that’s probably normal to military wives and even more single moms. I hear my husband snoring in the next room where he thinks my daughter is asleep next to him. This happens so frequently. I’m finally seeing my husband does so much for us and he is frustrated with work and life.

That I have to accept change. I’ve always been so pro change, my recently ex friend was so scared of change and change makes me excited. I think I’ve been so disappointed with our lives in the military. I thought we would always be moving, my husband would always being deployed and returning. ( sorry for those sensitive to deployments, I totally agree the are stressful and can be awful) I just enjoyed the change, new places, new switch in our lives. But that’s not been the case my husbands home, but not really here. His schedule is rough, we are in a state I hate. None of my expectations for military life have been met.

I need to accept that, that this is my life and I need to lead it. I’ve got to find my outlets. I can’t workout much cause of my pain but need to be happy I’m getting to do it a little at a time. That motherhood, majority on my own is hard and frustrating but it’s life. I need to enjoy my time with my daughter because soon ( like 2 years she will be off to school).

I am ready to do some stuff for me. I have a guitar begging to be learned and played. I have wanted to learn Spanish, I need to set times in the day. ( nap times maybe) and find a way to do it. Online, taking a beginners class a couple nights a week. Which would be a great way to meet people.

I need to figure out what I want to do next. Become a physical therapy assistant or just do masters and doctorate to eventually teach some college courses and coach a college team. Figure out what I want but also be good for my families.

I think I’ve had to do a lot of mind searching because I’m finally having “homework” with her. I’ve avoided two appointments. She wants a list of priorities. She didn’t specify what kind of priorities for our sessions or priorities for my life. And I’m finally figuring out both. I have an appointment Monday that I finally have kept. I’m ready to answer both for her.

Wow a lot of talk after bitching. I hope to stop bitching so much to y’all too. I’m trying to change. I want to change.

Post again soon. Thanks for reading,

GraySkyHippie