I struggle with weight, I haven’t always. I was a swimmer for all my life, competitive teams through elementary, middle and high school. I swam 4 years in college. I could eat what I wanted and not worry too much about weight. But I had always ate unhealthy and bad working out habits when swimming wasn’t enough. I would eat nothing, I would stay up all hours and workout just beyond my 3-6 hours of swimming.
I struggled then with the same issue then. I would see my brother, B, in the mirror. We look just alike. I have been told I look jst like him all my life. It angers me, I don’t want to look like him. I don’t want to see B, staring back at me.
When I was younger, swimming, I didn’t gain much weight. I would look in the mirror and binge. I didn’t want to look at him, I wanted to see me.
After college, it was much easier to gain weight. I don’t want to gain weight, I want to be happiest and I am happiest when I am healthy. I like working out. I know what you’re thinking, no one likes working out but I truly do. I love the feeling I get when I work out. I love feeling healthy.
I mean, I have a degree in exercise science. I love everything about exercise, being healthy. Staying healthy. But with that I understand how detrimental it can be for my health gaining and loosing weight. I know how bad it is for my body and joints when I am heavier
I remember after graduating college, or maybe even after I started linking my weight to my brothers sexual abuse. I would struggle even more. Then, I would do unhealthy things to get even more skinny, in hopes to quit seeing him in the mirror. And I didn’t, I would see him looking back at me.
When I was I graduated, I moved home, lived with my parents. I was haunted with memories from my brother, I hadn’t told my parents of the incest then and I longed too but didn’t want to be the one that broke up the family. I didn’t want to have that on my conscious too. I became extremely depressed, I started gaining weight. I was up to 50lbs over weight by then.
But even now am about 80-90lbs over weight, I don’t see him in the mirror but I still remember. I remember that face that I don’t want to see, the face of my brother. I have gone up and down since then. Really struggling. It is a lot harder to loose weight when you’re older. But I wanted to be healthy.
My husband deployed and I wanted to loose weight, be sexy again. Feel good about myself. It helped I had health issues and they found I had a thyroid issue and dropped weight fast. But the imagine in the mirror came back, haunting me.
It is so hard. When I am smaller, I feel sexy, I like the looks I get, I like the way I can flirt and how guys approach me (which also my husband loves, knowing I’m all his) I like the way exercising made me feel. I just enjoyed it. But also with that, having more sex, being more sexual really makes me struggle with thoughts and flash back of my rape and the sexual abuse of my brother.
Recently talking to a friend, I just realized I need to accept that I am a sexual person. He said I radiated sex and it was attractiveness. And I realized that I like that. I like being that person to raise heads. To be outgoing, to flirt and be flirted with. I like having sex. I like having sex with my husband, I like being sexual. And thats ok, that I need to accept that and move on. If I don’t want it to relate to the sexual abuse, It doesn’t have to. I choose.
So I have worked on it, I have been trying to make sure I have more sex. Even at my bigger weight, which makes it harder for me to feel attractive. I have worked on being the girl I am when skinny. Be outgoing, be flirty, radiate my sexuality proudly. Not be ashamed. Have sex with my husband and not feel bad.
I think I also relate it back to my christian upbringing. The church tells you sex is bad. Don’t have sex till you’re married. They make it out to be a horrible thing. I still feel guilty having sex with my own husband, like I need to hide it still. I feel like I am doing something wrong. But it isn’t wrong. I still need to research about the sex before marriage part, and where it comes from. But in my sexuality, I realize I have learned and grown to be the person I am now because I did have lots of sex before I was married, wether it was right or wrong. Taught me not to judge the way I always felt judged in the church. That regardless of how many people are sinners, you need to comfort them. Figure out the issue and help them see that our God is one of love, forgiveness and grace.
So like I said, I am owning my sexuality, even as a bigger girl. Hoping this will help me not relate it to only being smaller and wanting it then. I also am finally trying to loose weight, I am trying to do it healthy and work on being the woman I want to be.
The one thats athletic, loves exercise, enjoys being at a healthy weight so I am not embarrassed when I get into a booth, am if I am going to fit. That I can play with my daughter, that I can enjoy the life I want for myself.
And when I look into the mirror, I will think about my strength. The strength I have now, the strength I am working towards. I might fall back into old behaviors, it might be difficult sometimes when I am depressed but it is my goal. A priority for myself, my daughter, my husband.
I am excited for my new adventure. I am excited for our new gym membership to start back swimming. My health issues (doctors still trying to figure out 2 years later) keep me off of doing things like treadmill and even sometimes elliptical. But for starters, I am going to swim. My one go to comfort for as long as I remember. My one place where I am left just to think or not think. To go back and forth, back and forth and no one to bother me. I am excited. My adventure starts today. I will let you know how its going.
Thanks for listening, again, I say if you have something to say or something you want to know but don’t want to respond in the comments, feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org, I won’t share info with others. I will answer. You’re not alone if you’re struggling with rape, incest or even just weight loss and gain. Thanks again,
The art in the photos, are paintings that Ive painted through my struggle with incest and rape. They are available to buy on another site but please email me if you’re connected to one.