To All the Broken Girls


I am daily touched by the lives that are portrayed in these blogs. Today I want to take the time to write to all the broken girls.


I am so deeply sorry for the abuse and trauma you have been faced with. I wish I could take all your pain and heartbreak away.  I am so sorry that you have been broken and wounded. 

You need to know, it’s not your fault. That you don’t deserve to be broken, that you don’t deserve to be hurting, scared, frustrated or lonely.  

You need to know people are listening, they are here reading and feeling your pain right along beside you. You need to know that you aren’t alone and that you are loved.

You are loved because you are lovable. Often times brokenness makes us feel like we are not deserving of love but we are. 

You might not have family or friends. You might have those, like I do and still feel so broke and alone but we have each other. You can find so much healing and grace in these women on these blogs.  It is possible to put our pieces back together and embrace the new masterpiece we have become.

The abuse we have been through is not the ending of our stories but the turn we were unfortunately forced to take. It’s time to embrace the change in direction and love the people we have become.  It’s ok to be broken. 

With our brokenness we are no longer the same as everyone else. You have unique pieces, shaped like no one else. We can adjust to the new us if we let go of the image we have of what we used to be.


If you’re broken, don’t be scared to comment below, I’d love to take a look at your blog, listen to your story! Even post a link to some of your work you’d really like me to read because I want to read. 

Broken with you,

GraySkyHippie

( 9/16/14 b) 

Supportive Paleo Psycho


I’ve decided to go back on the Paleo diet. I felt so amazing the weeks following being on this. I don’t know of it was the diet or if it happened to be a wonderful time for my physical health! I hadn’t felt that good in years.

I was going to make it public so we had to start doing paleo again but decided here will work for now until we really start. Last time, my mom went a little psycho about it. In an amazing supportive way but psycho. Haha she worried about every meal and what she had for me and I don’t want that for her or anyone. Paleo became much more easier when I learned you can follow it 80/20! Then I didn’t feel like I was cheating when I wanted bread but then I didn’t want bread cause I could have it!

I found a great doctor since I last spoke to you about my health issues. He is pretty sure I have an autoimmune disease. He is still doing some testing! I hate to be excited about that but to have an answer, finally be great! Then I might know what to focus on next.

Ok! Semi accountability here I come, I am starting the Paleo diet, today!

Thanks for reading!

GraySkyHippie

Comfort Zone


I have been busy with my new home business. I love it but it has consumed my time, even when I took last month “off”. But it’s good being consumed. It’s been a long time since I had something to keep me occupied. Something that forces me to break out of my comfort zone and talk with people.

My first big step, inviting strangers over. Sounds like an awful idea, I know. But sometimes you just have to get to know people in your comfort zone.

I invited all the military spouses pages over to my house for a Goodbye Summer party. I can and can’t wait. I will have lemonade and sweet tea, cookies and cakes. I’ll have a busy weekend. But I’m excited to have people over. The part I don’t like as much is having them over for my business without really saying that’s what it’s for. I did on the invitation but it mainly is for us to have something to do while we meet a bunch of strangers. Ice breaker. I’ll play some games, give prizes but mainly excited to get to know people.

Don’t get me wrong though, I love selling this stuff! I have a great encouraging team! And I’m excited to show everyone this project but I feel bad if people don’t understand that’s what we are doing! But with out having this stuff to sell, I wouldn’t feel as confident. I wouldn’t be having people over. Maybe during my short explanation, I can explain that!

Ok so I’ve been bad about blogging. I’m gonna try to work harder! I switched out of notes to another journal for a while and I think it hurt my writing, so I’m back to “basics” iPhones note app!

What keeps you going? Any ideas for my party? I’ve been pinning away! Not sure what will actually get done!

Thanks for stopping by,

GraySkyHippie

Healing


I had a wonderful awful experience with a friend tonight. I hate to call it wonderful when our subject was so heartbreaking. But it is so good and bad to have a friend, friends that have experienced abused to be able to open up and talk with them. To understand how they feel. To relate. I never want for anyone to be abused but for those of us that have been abused , it is like finding a kindred spirit.

We went to a friends house, I knew some of her story, she has been physically abused in a “past life”. She too no longer wants to have any contact with her abuser ( a relative). But the words we shared will touch my life forever.

I think when victims find other victims, they feel validated. You finally hear the words you need to hear because they are the only ones that can say them. It’s not a secret club, not one I would want for anyone to be part of but often times you just know. Automatically, hey! You’re a victim too!

I met this wonderful women and hung out several times before she shared a little of her story with me. I was in a freak out about finding child care, and she got it. She was the same way, less of a freak out because she is a lot more level headed than me! But it was the aftermath of this blog on my life. A time where now I am not going to stay silent. She was one of the first people I bravely told of my background of incest and rape. It was via text message but it was a fresh start. A start to speak and it blossomed to being able to put it into worlds and say out loud. Words I have never spoken to even my family. Freeing. So freeing these words have been!

But tonight sharing our stories of abuse and family drama amazed me. Mainly because our backgrounds are so different yet our stories are “similar”. Maybe I should say feelings are similar. Our abuse was completely different yet very much the same pain and trauma.

We worry about our safety, about our children, about our relationships.

If you’re having a difficult time facing your abuse, I suggest you seek refuge in someone that understands your pain! In a blog here, support group, a friend in your life! We can help each other heal!

Sometimes Feeling Nothing is Best


You know, I get really frustrated. Frustrated I can’t spell brain. I’ve never been able to because my brother ( I use that turn loosely here because I don’t consider him that any longer but so you understand the relationship and my confusion with the word) anyways, my brothers name is Brian. I curse my parents now for naming him that! Not that they knew he would be my molester, but he was. Feels good to put his name out there!

I learned to spell Brian first. So I was taught brain is the other way. So now, with my brain fog, brain problems I have reverted back to old habits. Always having to figure out which is brain and which is Brian. Auto correct has helped some but I still have to type one of them to know which!

Handwriting brain, is much harder. Trying to figure out which is which. It seems so elementary. I should know. But now I’ve concluded that Brian fucked with my brain. Fitting word, I wouldn’t normally type it out to post, but it’s accurate!

Still achieving that now after years of not talking to him. Can I add that to my list of reasons why you can’t just get over being molested! I’m glad I don’t know the names of my rapists, that I never checked those court documents or restraining orders I kept for over a year always in arms length.

But as for Brain. …un yes, see what happens when I capitalize before I spell out brain. I mean, but as for Brian, it’s a curse.

But I need that reminder to not forget. To not be cautious about this subject. Sexual child abuse happens. Happens more than statistics even know because people stay silent. But I won’t stay silent anymore. I will speak out against incest, molestation, child sexual abuse, rape, sexual abuse and abuse!

I’ve always said love and hate are the same thing. Sure, you respond differently but the feelings are the same. The passion of love or the passion of hate ! I don’t want to hate anyone, I would rather feel nothing for someone than have hate for them, to give them my energy of thinking about them, talking about them, feeling rage for them.

I hate my brother, I hate Brian, but I don’t want to anymore. I don’t want too give him energy. I just want too feel nothing about him. I think finally realizing I need to look at this brain Brian thing as a gift from God to never forget to fight for a better world, an educated world, a less ignorant world!

Maybe this is the first step to not hating Brian. To feeling nothing for him. We will see, I’ll let you know the process because I’m sad to know you have also felt this way.

How have you gotten over hate? How have you been able to move past and not care about your abuser?

GraySkyHippie

Priorities


So like I said in my last posts, I have an appointment with my therapist in a few hours. Yes procrastination at the finest.

So here we go…

Priorities for therapy:

1. Calming my Anxiety
2. Deal with Anger towards my Brother and Family
3. Deciding what to say to my Family when I Finally face them and Talk about what Happened
4. How to Handle it when it doesn’t go as Expectated
5. Working on Expectation:
-My Own
-My Husbands
-My Family
-Not having as Many
6. Show for My Appointments
-Make Time and Not Cancel
-Not be Scared to do This

My Personal Priorities

1. Devote some Time to Myself
-Learn/Play my Beautiful Guitar
-Work on Crafts/Art/Selling for myself and My Business
-Learn Spanish
-Look at More School/Plan my Next Step to help
-Read
-My Bible
-Devotional Books
-Learning/Growth Books
-Fun Books

2. Spend more Quality Time with my Daughter
– Enjoy her
-Show her Love
-Not Stess Around her

3. Spending More Quality Time with my Husband
-Doing Things Other than TV
-Not hold Past Issues Towards our Future
-Have More Intamcy (goes along with previous)
-Be Fun and Happy Around the Short Amount of Time we Have Together
-Be Thankful of All he Does Do
-Be Forgetfull of All he Doesn’t Do
-Show More Love

For now, that’s what I got. And a plus, I did my homework before my Appointment. Or in the parking lot or lobby!