Finding Answers for Broken Friendships and Guilt

After Posting my two posts, Guilt, Guilt, Guilt and Decisions about a Friendship Gone Wrong HeLp!! (not sure why it won’t let me link that too).  I have started thinking more about how the guilt is impacting my decisions. But I was reminded of this photo I found on pinterest (can we say addicting).



I don’t need to feel any guilt about finally letting go. I did all that I could for that friendship, including trying to fix it multiple times. I just need to let it go. That I don’t have to feel guilty for missing them. That I don’t have to feel guilty about giving up. Because I didn’t.

I have loved blogging. I have found many of my worries, work themselves out by realizing reacquiring themes. As I said when I started, unfortunately for you, this blog is my journals. My life all out there, for the world to see. No more hiding, no more shame, honesty.

Sure somethings should stay out of here. But this is my journey. Dealing through lifetime of trauma, sexual abuse, and incest. It also relates to my family and friendships. As I said in my previous choice, for sure now. The friendship has ended, it is final for now. And I am no longer going to feel guilty about it. Im going to let God take that guilt and move on.

As for the decisions about putting stuff in my daughters room or around my house. Since the decisions loom over me, Im going to keep a box for those items that remind me of the guilt and bad times and have no problem putting up those of the good times, the things that I feel is ok to remember about the friendship.

Feeling guilt free and finalized,



Decisions About a Lifetime Friendship Gone wrong. HeLp!!

What would you do about a friendship gone wrong and all the reminders with it?

I’m struggling, with the organizing of my daughters room and my own stuff. I have photos and items from a lifetime friend that more recently became an ex best friend.

I’m devastated that it ended like it did. We had good times but majority of the best times where in high school. Ummm for me that was 2002. Then she’s come and gone through my life. We normally work it out. But this time feels different. Feels final. Especially on her part. And that she can do that, makes it final on my part. How it ended, made it final on my part.

I know I don’t need someone like that in my life. But we’ve come across all these reminders of our friendship. Photos, gifts, a handmade quilt for my daughter, paintings for her room.

What do I do with these things, these reminders. I don’t think I want to goodwill them yet but do I hang pictures that remind me of the good times that always remind me of her. Do I keep the quilt in my daughters room, the paintings she made?

I feel like everything that makes me think of her, needs to go in a box. At least for now. I’m still angry and extremely hurt. I’m flooded by all these emotions. Not just emotions from her but the emotions from the organization.

I’m exhausted and tired. Your thoughts? What would you do? Cold turkey? Remember good times? Or cry?

Thanks y’all,




Another Movie about Abuse and Christianity

Home Run
Home Run Movie Trailer

I loved this movie. It hit especially close to home reminding me that you have no idea what the person next to you is struggling with. That the person you thought was the good girl at church, could being molested by her brother.

I was that girl, the one that was scared to speak up, to say something. I followed along, knowing all the right Christian things to say and do until I realized that God isn’t out to condemn us for everything we’ve done wrong.

It also showed me to look around. Once after I told my family about my brother. I told my best friend from church. We’d been together since preschool. One of those friendships, you can send an email and pick it all back up. She told me she had been dealing with something similar. We had been right there together the whole time, and didn’t know each other’s struggle. If we had ever spoken out, who knows what would have happened. I know we can’t live in the land of IF ONLY, that we both took the routes we did and has lead us to our current lives. But I do see how speaking out now could show others it’s ok. To open the communications. Build a better church, school and family structure that deals with abuse. Acknowledges it. And more than just a month of awareness. It’s a great start but we have so much more to go.

This movie showed all this to me, it’s basic story line was a professional baseball player being sent home through losing it in one of his games. He was dealing with alcoholism and struggling from abuse from his alcoholic father.

I teared up more than once during this film. I really enjoyed it. Another sports movie I’ve recently watched without my husband. He will be sad he missed it. I probably will be happy to watch it again with him.

Thanks guy! Check out the movie, let me know of any good movies I should check out! I’d love to know what movies inspire you!



Past Abuse and Your Child

Calling all bloggers. How do you deal with the worry of protecting your kids?

I struggle with this overwhelming worry about my daughter. I don’t want her 29 finally dealing with sexual abuse straight on?

I want to protect her, keep her safe. I know I can’t completely but I struggle with how clueless apparently my family was about it. I don’t want to be in that situation, I feel sorry for them but I don’t want to end up here again.

How do y’all deal with it? What do you do to help these feelings? And what do you do to know you protected your child?

How are you vigilant in keeping your kids safe as possible? How do you stop the cycle of abuse?

I struggle daily with fear that the cycle will just continue. That my daughter will be tormented with these feelings? I want her to be aware but not be trapped by this.

Are you honest with them? What do you do?


Sometimes, it is About Me

I get really frustrated these days. I’m not sure why now and not so much before. Maybe I’m angrier, maybe I don’t care as much about pleasing everyone else. But I need it to be about me.

I kept my pain, my hurt, my trauma to myself for so long that I think people think that I am doing ok. And sure, some days I am. But most days, it’s a real struggle. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD. So I think people think this is just depression. That I will just snap out of it but I won’t.

I’m not saying I won’t have better days, that things won’t be better. But what my brother did to me, will always effect me. It’s not just something I can drop. Not just something I can go on longer pretending didn’t happen and all is well for the people around me.

With that, with this blog, I am healing. I have several people in my life that have allowed me to speak freely and accepted what I said without throwing in how it makes someone else feel. I greatly appreciate those people that realize sometimes, it is about me.

For what, 24 years or something. I’ve worried how everyone else will feel. My parents, my siblings, my family, my friends, our church, culture. It’s time for me to worry about me. I would love for them to feel the same but I can’t make anyone feel the same but I have a voice now.

Sometimes, it’s about me. Sometimes I might hurt you by what I say or what I do but I need to share my thoughts and feelings and not be reminded of what happened to me, hurt everyone. I know that.

I KNOW that, that’s why it took me so many years to finally tell. But it wasn’t me that did wrong, it was my brother. I should be free to say that. I should be able to say how much it hurt me. I should be able to freely be able to say, it still hurts me.

It effects me daily, looking in the mirror, thinking of my baby girl. Don’t tell me to get over it, don’t tell me to forgive. And don’t tell me how it hurt you. How it hurt everyone. Sometimes, it is about me.

Those things only makes me feel worse. Because that says to me, what I did hurt everyone. It puts blame back on me when I have no blame in what my brother did to me.

I will not stay quiet anymore. I will protect myself and my feelings by speaking up and speaking out. Sometimes, it’s about me.

I don’t want to hear how well he is doing. I don’t want to know how his life is going back together while mine feels like it is falling apart. No matter what he does with his life, it will not make me take back what he has done to me, nor should it. I will not trust him, I will not subject myself to being around him.

The family we had, wasn’t lost when I spoke out. The family we had was lost when my brother molested me. I will feel no guilt about it now. He made the same decision time and time again for years. He made the decision long past a time he knew better. I did not. He took my decision from me. He betrayed the family.

Me speaking up, does not betray the family. It embarrasses the family, society, the norm. And that, is not on me. If I embarrass you for something I am finally coming to terms about, it’s not about you. It’s about me.

I will no longer let my brother have a hold on my life, I no longer will let him keep my mouth shut. I will be allowed to speak up because sometimes, it’s about me.