Finding Answers for Broken Friendships and Guilt

After Posting my two posts, Guilt, Guilt, Guilt and Decisions about a Friendship Gone Wrong HeLp!! (not sure why it won’t let me link that too).  I have started thinking more about how the guilt is impacting my decisions. But I was reminded of this photo I found on pinterest (can we say addicting).



I don’t need to feel any guilt about finally letting go. I did all that I could for that friendship, including trying to fix it multiple times. I just need to let it go. That I don’t have to feel guilty for missing them. That I don’t have to feel guilty about giving up. Because I didn’t.

I have loved blogging. I have found many of my worries, work themselves out by realizing reacquiring themes. As I said when I started, unfortunately for you, this blog is my journals. My life all out there, for the world to see. No more hiding, no more shame, honesty.

Sure somethings should stay out of here. But this is my journey. Dealing through lifetime of trauma, sexual abuse, and incest. It also relates to my family and friendships. As I said in my previous choice, for sure now. The friendship has ended, it is final for now. And I am no longer going to feel guilty about it. Im going to let God take that guilt and move on.

As for the decisions about putting stuff in my daughters room or around my house. Since the decisions loom over me, Im going to keep a box for those items that remind me of the guilt and bad times and have no problem putting up those of the good times, the things that I feel is ok to remember about the friendship.

Feeling guilt free and finalized,


Easter, Belief in God after Sexual Abuse

I’ve realized I probably haven’t made it Clear that I believe Bible is Gods written word. I do believe it’s ancient book full of people’s stories. But stories God wanted us to remember now.

I celebrate Easter not for the candy and Easter bunny but because I believe God suffered for us. He was nailed to the cross. It’s a reminder that God went through trials, through condemnation He did not deserve. That He was beaten, He was nailed to the cross. He deserved none of this, so he understands abuse, sexual abuse, incest and molestation. He too knows what it feels like and was un rightfully was killed for what He did not do. But in much higher form, He was perfect, without sin.

He did that for us. For our sins. So we can be forgiven if we just simply accept He carried that burden for us and that He is Lord. Today in church, sitting through Easter sunday church service, He showed me a new perspective, I’m sure from the openness this blog has given me but to feel Jesus’s pain more vividly than ever before. I did not deserve that sexual abuse I received growing up or later in college and Jesus knows my pain and confusion 100 times over because He hadn’t even thought a wrong thing in His life yet he was beaten, abused, killed because of it.

I also am reminded at Easter that Jesus was able to show all those around then, and all who believe now that He un rightfully suffered and was raised from the dead. Something miraculous . To show He wasn’t just man but also God.

That made me think of what amazing things God can have in store for us. Those who silently suffer and have done no wrong, those who are abused, molested. It was such a strong story that his pain didn’t go in vein and neither do ours.

In no way do I think I am or we should compare ourselves to God/Jesus. But I do think hearing the Easter story after writing this blog allowed me too see a whole different side of things.

That I wanted you to understand I fully believe in God. That my issue is more with Church not growing in knowledge of incest, sexual abuse and trauma into its teachings. Especially since often times the abuse can come from their own church leaders or worshipers. They need to have a more open mindset.

That reaching people isn’t one size fits all but Jesus is. And His character was one much different than shown in many churches. He always surrounded Himself with those less fortunate, He didn’t do it once a year. He came to the sinners level and helped explain the God/Father He loved. That was forever many years ago and He didn’t use scare tactics you see in churches today. He used love, compassion, understanding and patiently teaching.

Where has all that gone? He showed through His life, the way He acted that He was the son of God and I believe we as the Christian I want to be, walk around and show what kind of trust and belief we have in Him without giving them the what Roman Road Rules? (Been a while since we had to go out evangelizing.) God doesn’t need us to save people, He has done enough to show His Love by sending His guiltless son to die for us and forgive our sins. I believe He does and can use us to help show others God is grace, mercy, love not wrath and hate as I seem to feel lots of people feel today.

And I feel like church has come more about what you wear or who you know. Jesus didn’t care what you looked liked, how you dressed or who you were. The church today is condemning those very same people that Jesus would have sat to dinner with, shown His love to.

I just don’t want to be part of churches that are gay bashing, or sit outside abortion clinics with pamphlets about how they are going to Hell for aborting their baby, or look strangely at people with tattoos, or piercings. (Trying to think of less harsher examples but going blank, it will come after I post hah I’ll leave it in the comments). And let’s note here there are several churches that I believe strive hard to be open to anyone. But I think a lot are stuck in an ancient book when God is here, present. But….

My God is stronger than that, He is better than that, He would show those people love and mercy. He would be kind. And I think that’s the part of Christianity we should focus on not always the one of the rules. Rule followers or rule breakers.

Then people would feel differently about the church today. People might feel welcome to come. Welcome to come in ask questions, free to understand how great my God can be. Not see what I thinks the worst side of Him.

But churches today choose to tend to ignore experiences like mine of the many others reading my blog. That maybe my church experience, was different. Ridden with guilt from what my brother was doing to me. And who knows if it had been taught to me from any of my elementary-college life, I might have come clean to someone about what my brother did to me. Instead of hiding away in fear of what happened, might have known how much my family, friends and church would have backed me up. Backed them up instead of probably looking at them with disgust and shame.

But today I want you to know I believe in Jesus and that He has risen indeed.