Well actually like a week ago now, just posting while traveling…
Well, I went to to the Y yesterday, I swam… attempted to swim. Its been four years if not more since I actually got in to swim, swim. 2 and a half years since I was pregnant and “swam” then, if you could count it swimming.
So I start with 500 yards freestyle (10 laps or down and backs) of the pool. So I thought this be easy. Hmmm not so easy as I remembered. I wanted to stop at 100 yards and rest but told myself, make it the whole 500 and the rest will be easy. And it was. I swam for 45 minutes, actually talked to two women. For me, big accomplishments. Its much harder for me to make woman friends now. I have been in the Navy life so lots have been thrown my way because my husband likes there husband. Sometimes it works out, sometimes not so much. But its always awkward. It was nice to know I could at least meet women, talk with women other than the ones where we both know is basically as “set up”.
But I wish I had that one lap at a time attitude earlier and later that day. I had a bad day, I think a lot related to writing my post, When Memories Make You Vomit. Explaining my blogging system might help some. I write whatever I want one day. Then the next day I edit the previous days post, then publish, then write whatever I want for the next day…and so on. But when I wrote When Memories Make You Vomit, I couldn’t quite get through it without physically getting sick, I wrote it the day before and it hadn’t bothered me. In fact it intrigued me that I actually remembered far more than I thought. But then having to re read it and really realize that this is me, this happened to me. I had put it off all day. Finally re read it, vomited, and fell asleep.
The whole day I had a dark cloud around me. It is hard to relive things. I was already in such an ill mood from that, Ive told you I have had unexplained pain for 2 years. This is the 5th reoccurring episode and they don’t care that each time it gets worse, each time it gets longer. The doctors have given me some medicine, half listened, done an awful job.
Only my psychiatrist has listened, to all my symptoms. Maybe because listening is the majority of his job. He was for a while the only one I wanted to see. Finally convinced I went to my doctor, she did her half listening but this time I had a plan. Send me to the pain management specialist, to a neurologist, and RA specialist. So she said, your meds have been helping some from your psychiatrist. Lets start with neurologist and pain management. Ok I say.
So let me add, some days I can’t walk, if I have to, me feet don’t work. Like physically just wait to tumble. With a toddler around 2 dogs, like I would really appreciate having feet that responded right. Not to mention this huge body come straight to the ground, bound to break something. But going back and forth to the doctors office thats 30 mins on a good day during non season and 60-90+ now a days during what appears to be “season” here. It hurts. To sit in a forced position longer than I am capable, not to mention the paying attention that Ive lost full ability to control what I am thinking and when. It is a bad drive. Dealing with just trying to get to my dang appointment I have gone through 9 steps. Which should only include 1 call doctor, make appointment. No. Ive had to go back to the doctors to go to medical records, figure out what happened to one referral.
All this crap. And they tell me I am not getting approved for my neurologist because my psychiatrist prescribed my nerve medicine. I was unfortunately very rude, stayed as low as possible, in a room of at least 6 patients trying to wait for my psychiatry appointment. I would have stepped out but already being 15 mins, I just stayed seated yelling at this poor nurse. Saying yes, he prescribed it but was the only one listening to my full bought of conditions. So he went ahead and put me on it, to see if it help lesson my anxiety and depression to be mobile again. Well unfortunately since thats in your chart. Im like how far back did you go because I have been on and off neurological medicine received from my neurologist for over 3 years in the Navy, 2 years out. So you and who ever denied my referral couldn’t have looked long. I was like an RA doctor isn’t going to fix why I can’t put sentences together some days, that I call things wrong names when I know the right name, that I text and type words backwards. I was so angry. My anger is always in form of tears, screaming or hitting. All I could muster yesterday was tears. A room full of navy men, I sat and I cried. I didn’t sob, sobbing is more for pain, not anger for me. Tears ran down my face, even have one guy move around so he couldn’t see me. I texted my husband and best friend C, she of course told me to F them and not to cry, it get worked up in her own C kind of way. So I had by the time my psychiatrist came to get me.
But of course, ask a girl how she’s doing right after she’s been crying, she cries. So I try to relax and tell him all that just taken place waiting for him. He helped go over my drug management. How visits with my therapist are going (she’s new, verdict is still out). Then have to walk to medical records, normally be fine but I mean I spent an hour in the car, 50 mins sitting in the office, and then to walk down 3 long hallways and back. I debated it worth it. Get to medical records they can’t release them without the pain management office sending them a request. So walking back I decide hey lets call them. Well you aren’t our patient yet, so we can’t request them. Ill put your info on it see if they send it back but we won’t have your signature. I just want to go to a dang pain doctor. Im like I will drive there now and I can sign it. No ma’am, we can’t have you sign it cause you’re not a patient.
So let me get this straight, you normally can’t request the records. Medical records can’t send them without a request or release them to me (sure that has to be a lie), I can’t sign for them to release them. And you aren’t going to inform me if you get the records or not. With all this I can’t make a dang appointment for your office until you have my records. I mean seriously. Make me appointment. Have me sit in your office, fax for my medical records, F if I care if you charge tricare twice to evaluate me just get this done so I can work on managing my pain. Give me hope of something better than sitting around debating if I can do dishes or wash my child. I know they don’t get it but don’t people have sympathy.
So all this takes place, already super tense from the morning I woke up ready to literally attack the world but the worlds decided to attack back. I finally get home, 90 mins later, much more traffic in the afternoon round this time of year. My husband doesn’t ask about my appointment, or anything. Ive gotten used to his, what I take as lack of caring. He says he doesn’t know what to say even though we’ve been over how easy it is. Ask how things went, am I ok, what can he do. Thats it. Then I know he cares. He asks nothing. He is standing outside like he is waiting for me, which annoys me because we have a 2 year old where?? He apparently can hear my Ke$ha playing loudly in the car and does his annoying dance. I get out of the car, ignoring him because he is ignoring me. Sit on the couch and he asks if I wanted to go to the Y. Of course I don’t want to go to the Y, I had my worst day in forever, and I don’t want to add to it with more pain, or disappointment if I couldn’t physically swim.
But I decided while I blared Ke$ha and dreamed of being able to dance and jump around so free as her music (don’t judge) That we all die young, better live today good. So I said ok. Lets just make sure I can swim, and our daughter can make it to childcare. So we ran around the house hurting the process up. And made it there in time for free time, my husband worked with our daughters transition to being without us.
It went really good, seemed my day was going better. I don’t know if you remember in my post Go With the Honest Truth, I might have mentioned that I had dropped a few people out of my life. One main reason, not being there for me when I needed them but always feeling like I was repeatedly there for them. But that I realized I couldn’t physically be the kind of person that just drops people out of my life because I still go over and over it in my mind. I wonder and worry about them. I need a clean break, a mutual decision on all parts that this isn’t working. And suddenly I wrote emails to them as I was writing that post. That I needed to be honest, that I had been thinking of them, that I didn’t know what went wrong. That I needed this kind of support. I had gotten great response but one friend. She just send back a few word answers, I should have known that was my answer. But I am dense, and I honestly don’t want to see friendship fail. I don’t see how it works when honesty is being used on both sides how it can’t just work out.
So last night was a tough one. I guess I realized God doesn’t have it planned for me to keep someone in my life. I feel bad because its a relief, I have put a lot of time, effort, money in maintaining this relationship. I hadn’t gotten much in return, this the part about stop talking to them. We had been friends since middle school, my first real friends, I never thought it be so easy for them to just throw it all away but then I was reminded of the email I had sent her. That I needed to know she would be a friend back, that I had had years of me always seeking her out, worrying about her, helping her. Making her pain, my pain. I realize now I have been holding on to a memory of the middle school girl that was nice and friendly. The one that would call and talk to me, that cared what was going on with me. Not the one that gets in a relationship the whole world revolves around that boy. Its 3rd time a charm. That now they go to church, that it makes it ok to revolve around a boy. That your old friends don’t matter. I have to let go.
Let go of all my anger towards her, let go of all the hurt she’s caused, the pain. Not just from yesterday but years of hurt and pain. I trust in the God I know to put something better in my place. But I cried the majority of the night, but I have woke up feeling better. I can trust my God to make sense of this in the end. Even just already, shown me which friends are real friends, and which have been an illusion.
It did make me question my ability to judge people, I mean like 21 year friendship and she turns out to be nothing I ever thought. How can I tell if even the two women at the gym are worth trying. But todays new perspective, that everyone deserves a chance. That I can meet new people, and learn wether its someone I want to trust or not. But I also need to learn not to be a completely trusting person, I have been all my life (mentioned that in my rape story). Kind of funny it took me loosing a friend and not a rape to realize I have to be cautious. Cautious of people, their intentions, their motives.
But today, I am not going to let it hold me back. Today, if we go to the gym. I am going to remember to be that friendly, outgoing, fun girl I know I can be and meet new people. Get to swim in the pool and let everything go. Relax and work my butt off at the same time.
If you have stories that relate, please I encourage you to comment or write. I started this blog to get help. To receive help and give help so please email or leave a comment. It helps to know we aren’t alone, we aren’t the only ones struggling in life. I think God calls it fellowship but I think the church has made it too linear, fellowship to them is only having people together congregating, singing, worshiping Him. Which I do think is important. But my God of the present can make fellowship of any minded people (atheist, non christians, any religion, people at any place in your life) just to communicate, show love and support. He is bigger than what the church allows Him to be. I believe He doesn’t need us to help Him, He does it all on his own but wants for us to communicate with everyone in life, at different levels. And He will do what He does best, show compassion, heal, show us grace and love.