Easter, Belief in God after Sexual Abuse


I’ve realized I probably haven’t made it Clear that I believe Bible is Gods written word. I do believe it’s ancient book full of people’s stories. But stories God wanted us to remember now.

I celebrate Easter not for the candy and Easter bunny but because I believe God suffered for us. He was nailed to the cross. It’s a reminder that God went through trials, through condemnation He did not deserve. That He was beaten, He was nailed to the cross. He deserved none of this, so he understands abuse, sexual abuse, incest and molestation. He too knows what it feels like and was un rightfully was killed for what He did not do. But in much higher form, He was perfect, without sin.

He did that for us. For our sins. So we can be forgiven if we just simply accept He carried that burden for us and that He is Lord. Today in church, sitting through Easter sunday church service, He showed me a new perspective, I’m sure from the openness this blog has given me but to feel Jesus’s pain more vividly than ever before. I did not deserve that sexual abuse I received growing up or later in college and Jesus knows my pain and confusion 100 times over because He hadn’t even thought a wrong thing in His life yet he was beaten, abused, killed because of it.

I also am reminded at Easter that Jesus was able to show all those around then, and all who believe now that He un rightfully suffered and was raised from the dead. Something miraculous . To show He wasn’t just man but also God.

That made me think of what amazing things God can have in store for us. Those who silently suffer and have done no wrong, those who are abused, molested. It was such a strong story that his pain didn’t go in vein and neither do ours.

In no way do I think I am or we should compare ourselves to God/Jesus. But I do think hearing the Easter story after writing this blog allowed me too see a whole different side of things.

That I wanted you to understand I fully believe in God. That my issue is more with Church not growing in knowledge of incest, sexual abuse and trauma into its teachings. Especially since often times the abuse can come from their own church leaders or worshipers. They need to have a more open mindset.

That reaching people isn’t one size fits all but Jesus is. And His character was one much different than shown in many churches. He always surrounded Himself with those less fortunate, He didn’t do it once a year. He came to the sinners level and helped explain the God/Father He loved. That was forever many years ago and He didn’t use scare tactics you see in churches today. He used love, compassion, understanding and patiently teaching.

Where has all that gone? He showed through His life, the way He acted that He was the son of God and I believe we as the Christian I want to be, walk around and show what kind of trust and belief we have in Him without giving them the what Roman Road Rules? (Been a while since we had to go out evangelizing.) God doesn’t need us to save people, He has done enough to show His Love by sending His guiltless son to die for us and forgive our sins. I believe He does and can use us to help show others God is grace, mercy, love not wrath and hate as I seem to feel lots of people feel today.

And I feel like church has come more about what you wear or who you know. Jesus didn’t care what you looked liked, how you dressed or who you were. The church today is condemning those very same people that Jesus would have sat to dinner with, shown His love to.

I just don’t want to be part of churches that are gay bashing, or sit outside abortion clinics with pamphlets about how they are going to Hell for aborting their baby, or look strangely at people with tattoos, or piercings. (Trying to think of less harsher examples but going blank, it will come after I post hah I’ll leave it in the comments). And let’s note here there are several churches that I believe strive hard to be open to anyone. But I think a lot are stuck in an ancient book when God is here, present. But….

My God is stronger than that, He is better than that, He would show those people love and mercy. He would be kind. And I think that’s the part of Christianity we should focus on not always the one of the rules. Rule followers or rule breakers.

Then people would feel differently about the church today. People might feel welcome to come. Welcome to come in ask questions, free to understand how great my God can be. Not see what I thinks the worst side of Him.

But churches today choose to tend to ignore experiences like mine of the many others reading my blog. That maybe my church experience, was different. Ridden with guilt from what my brother was doing to me. And who knows if it had been taught to me from any of my elementary-college life, I might have come clean to someone about what my brother did to me. Instead of hiding away in fear of what happened, might have known how much my family, friends and church would have backed me up. Backed them up instead of probably looking at them with disgust and shame.

But today I want you to know I believe in Jesus and that He has risen indeed.

 

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GraySkyHippie

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Easter, Belief in God after Sexual Abuse


I’ve realized I probably haven’t made it Clear that I believe Bible is Gods written word. I do believe it’s ancient book full of people’s stories. But stories God wanted us to remember now.

I celebrate Easter not for the candy and Easter bunny but because I believe God suffered for us. He was nailed to the cross. It’s a reminder that God went through trials, through condemnation He did not deserve. That He was beaten, He was nailed to the cross. He deserved none of this, so he understands abuse, sexual abuse, incest and molestation. He too knows what it feels like and was un rightfully was killed for what He did not do. But in much higher form, He was perfect, without sin.

He did that for us. For our sins. So we can be forgiven if we just simply accept He carried that burden for us and that He is Lord. Today in church, sitting through Easter sunday church service, He showed me a new perspective, I’m sure from the openness this blog has given me but to feel Jesus’s pain more vividly than ever before. I did not deserve that sexual abuse I received growing up or later in college and Jesus knows my pain and confusion 100 times over because He hadn’t even thought a wrong thing in His life yet he was beaten, abused, killed because of it.

I also am reminded at Easter that Jesus was able to show all those around then, and all who believe now that He un rightfully suffered and was raised from the dead. Something miraculous . To show He wasn’t just man but also God.

That made me think of what amazing things God can have in store for us. Those who silently suffer and have done no wrong, those who are abused, molested. It was such a strong story that his pain didn’t go in vein and neither do ours.

In no way do I think I am or we should compare ourselves to God/Jesus. But I do think hearing the Easter story after writing this blog allowed me too see a whole different side of things.

That I wanted you to understand I fully believe in God. That my issue is more with Church not growing in knowledge of incest, sexual abuse and trauma into its teachings. Especially since often times the abuse can come from their own church leaders or worshipers. They need to have a more open mindset.

That reaching people isn’t one size fits all but Jesus is. And His character was one much different than shown in many churches. He always surrounded Himself with those less fortunate, He didn’t do it once a year. He came to the sinners level and helped explain the God/Father He loved. That was forever many years ago and He didn’t use scare tactics you see in churches today. He used love, compassion, understanding and patiently teaching.

Where has all that gone? He showed through His life, the way He acted that He was the son of God and I believe we as the Christian I want to be, walk around and show what kind of trust and belief we have in Him without giving them the what Roman Road Rules? (Been a while since we had to go out evangelizing.) God doesn’t need us to save people, He has done enough to show His Love by sending His guiltless son to die for us and forgive our sins. I believe He does and can use us to help show others God is grace, mercy, love not wrath and hate as I seem to feel lots of people feel today.

And I feel like church has come more about what you wear or who you know. Jesus didn’t care what you looked liked, how you dressed or who you were. The church today is condemning those very same people that Jesus would have sat to dinner with, shown His love to.

I just don’t want to be part of churches that are gay bashing, or sit outside abortion clinics with pamphlets about how they are going to Hell for aborting their baby, or look strangely at people with tattoos, or piercings. (Trying to think of less harsher examples but going blank, it will come after I post hah I’ll leave it in the comments). And let’s note here there are several churches that I believe strive hard to be open to anyone. But I think a lot are stuck in an ancient book when God is here, present. But….

My God is stronger than that, He is better than that, He would show those people love and mercy. He would be kind. And I think that’s the part of Christianity we should focus on not always the one of the rules. Rule followers or rule breakers.

Then people would feel differently about the church today. People might feel welcome to come. Welcome to come in ask questions, free to understand how great my God can be. Not see what I thinks the worst side of Him.

But churches today choose to tend to ignore experiences like mine of the many others reading my blog. That maybe my church experience, was different. Ridden with guilt from what my brother was doing to me. And who knows if it had been taught to me from any of my elementary-college life, I might have come clean to someone about what my brother did to me. Instead of hiding away in fear of what happened, might have known how much my family, friends and church would have backed me up. Backed them up instead of probably looking at them with disgust and shame.

But today I want you to know I believe in Jesus and that He has risen indeed.

Learning to Go WIth the Honest Truth


Finally, Im finding several other bloggers that understand what Im going through. But this blogger totally hit home. I have lost some friends, well one in particular because she didn’t understand me.

First let me give you the link

Plugging Emotions

http://kimmysurviving.wordpress.com/2011/04/14/childhood-sexual-abuse-survivors-are-difficult-to-get-to-know/

She said, “Once any one starts having to keep something secret, it starts plugging up emotionally, until it blocks up just about everything” This totally hits home for me. Those that know me now and even before I told my dirty secret of being molested by my brother know that I never promise not to tell someone. This might seem unbelievable to some but I have to vent. Especially now. I tell them I almost always tell someone uninvolved. But after living with a dark secret for so long, you just don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to start that again, ever.

My college friend C, taught me to always be honest. To put everything upfront and out there. That its better to be honest than to lie to someone. She taught me that you can always be truthful because people can’t stay mad at you for being honest. If they are, you don’t need them in your life. Yes, it may hurt someone initially but in the end they would appreciate someone saying exactly how it is, how you feel, what you think than someone that is just going to lie to you.

Like I said before, I have to vent. Especially if its something I need to think about before really responding. Its hard for me to be an “honest” person. Ive been keeping secrets all my life. I have told people (my parents, my family, my friends) what they wanted to hear or what they needed to hear for as long as I can remember. So now, it doesn’t come easy, but I know its best. I am quick to get angry, (I’m trying to work on that but its a work in progress) so I need to vent. Talk about how I’m feeling then I decided if its important enough to say or not. Unlike my normal vent buddy C, who now has honesty down to a T!

Some people don’t get that, they think I am talking about them behind their backs. I get that, I really do but I never mean it to cause harm. Its just I haven’t learned yet to trust myself. To trust myself with telling the truth, to be honest. I know this blog will help. Finally telling the truth about the past will help me be honest now.

The Church plays into this one. Always told to tell the truth, something I SHOULD have learned early in life. But what if you didn’t know what was happening to you was wrong. Like I said before, I knew not to tell what my brother was doing. But I didn’t fully understand it, I was 5 when it started. I didn’t know it was wrong. Not till I was in 4th grade, when a friend was talking about first kisses. By then, it had happened so many years, it felt too late to tell the truth. I had been living a lie, that I didn’t even know was a lie for years.

Plus they teach you at church and in my home, kissing is for married people or grown ups. Sex, touching, fondling, anything with a guy is wrong. Girls don’t do that. Good girls don’t do that. Your parents say this and you’re suppose to honor them. I knew that I couldn’t tell the truth. That the truth would hurt them. That I needed to protect them. So I kept it inside. 18 years, I kept it all inside. Until I couldn’t anymore. I told my first boyfriend. He told me I had to tell my parents or he wouldn’t stay with me. Eventually it ended, I couldn’t tell. (I don’t count as telling him in earlier blogs because he didn’t comfort me, he just gave me an ultimatum, it never came up again.) The second person I told was my best friend in college, A, my romantic interest, the one I called the night I was raped. The one I knew, knew everything. That would understand my only question, “why does this always happen to me?” He knew. He never judged me for it. He didn’t hold me any different. Treat me any different, love me any different for having this happen to me.

This is the frustration I have with the church. I just think it should be different. People need to expect that it happens. A rough google search, RAINN says “1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime (14.8% completed rape; 2.8% attempted rape).” I see that as, 1 in 6 church people have experienced this. Thats an awful tragic number. Thats only WOMEN. The Church needs to talk about this. They need to realize this when they are teaching their children. That this happens and its ok to speak up. Parents, you need to educate your children and give them an environment they can feel free to talk about this and speak up.

Famous response since I told by family and friends, “why didn’t you tell me?” because I couldn’t. It would change me in your eyes. It would make me dirty, evil, wrong, a sinner. When thats anything but the truth. My brother, my rapist, they were dirty, evil, wrong and sinners, not me. Especially since majority of my friends had grown up in the same church environment.

Thanks for reading, please feel free to post or email. I included the RAINN info I just quick checked about the statistics.

GraySkyHippie

RAINN Statistics of Rape

https://www.rainn.org/get-information/statistics/sexual-assault-victims