To All the Broken Girls


I am daily touched by the lives that are portrayed in these blogs. Today I want to take the time to write to all the broken girls.


I am so deeply sorry for the abuse and trauma you have been faced with. I wish I could take all your pain and heartbreak away.  I am so sorry that you have been broken and wounded. 

You need to know, it’s not your fault. That you don’t deserve to be broken, that you don’t deserve to be hurting, scared, frustrated or lonely.  

You need to know people are listening, they are here reading and feeling your pain right along beside you. You need to know that you aren’t alone and that you are loved.

You are loved because you are lovable. Often times brokenness makes us feel like we are not deserving of love but we are. 

You might not have family or friends. You might have those, like I do and still feel so broke and alone but we have each other. You can find so much healing and grace in these women on these blogs.  It is possible to put our pieces back together and embrace the new masterpiece we have become.

The abuse we have been through is not the ending of our stories but the turn we were unfortunately forced to take. It’s time to embrace the change in direction and love the people we have become.  It’s ok to be broken. 

With our brokenness we are no longer the same as everyone else. You have unique pieces, shaped like no one else. We can adjust to the new us if we let go of the image we have of what we used to be.


If you’re broken, don’t be scared to comment below, I’d love to take a look at your blog, listen to your story! Even post a link to some of your work you’d really like me to read because I want to read. 

Broken with you,

GraySkyHippie

( 9/16/14 b) 
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Healing


I had a wonderful awful experience with a friend tonight. I hate to call it wonderful when our subject was so heartbreaking. But it is so good and bad to have a friend, friends that have experienced abused to be able to open up and talk with them. To understand how they feel. To relate. I never want for anyone to be abused but for those of us that have been abused , it is like finding a kindred spirit.

We went to a friends house, I knew some of her story, she has been physically abused in a “past life”. She too no longer wants to have any contact with her abuser ( a relative). But the words we shared will touch my life forever.

I think when victims find other victims, they feel validated. You finally hear the words you need to hear because they are the only ones that can say them. It’s not a secret club, not one I would want for anyone to be part of but often times you just know. Automatically, hey! You’re a victim too!

I met this wonderful women and hung out several times before she shared a little of her story with me. I was in a freak out about finding child care, and she got it. She was the same way, less of a freak out because she is a lot more level headed than me! But it was the aftermath of this blog on my life. A time where now I am not going to stay silent. She was one of the first people I bravely told of my background of incest and rape. It was via text message but it was a fresh start. A start to speak and it blossomed to being able to put it into worlds and say out loud. Words I have never spoken to even my family. Freeing. So freeing these words have been!

But tonight sharing our stories of abuse and family drama amazed me. Mainly because our backgrounds are so different yet our stories are “similar”. Maybe I should say feelings are similar. Our abuse was completely different yet very much the same pain and trauma.

We worry about our safety, about our children, about our relationships.

If you’re having a difficult time facing your abuse, I suggest you seek refuge in someone that understands your pain! In a blog here, support group, a friend in your life! We can help each other heal!

How to Save the World


So I have had a heavy heart. I don’t always want to be a stay at home mom/wife. I love my time with my daughter. She’s curled up next to me sleeping now! I hope we adopt children and want to be with them until they start school too. I know I am very blessed to be able to stay with my daughter, don’t miss understand me but I want to do more.

I want to save the world. I will settle with saving a life. My history with incest and rape makes me want to shout loudly to educate the world but I don’t know where to start.

I would like to be trained in something, even if it involved a bit more school. Online would be amazing but not opposed to going in for a few courses. But my struggle is, not knowing what.

I want to work with sexually abused women. Specifically women/teens/children that are or have dealt with incest, molestation or rape. But where do I start? What careers do I look into? What training? What school? WHERE? WHAT?

I worked at a drug and eating disorder rehab center. I was a “recreational therapist”. I really enjoyed the work. I loved working one on one the most but was surprised at my ability to work with groups of over 60 people.

I don’t think I want to be a psychologist or psychiatrist. I want to work with support groups. I want to work one on one with people. I want to incorporate exercise, art, learning material, everything to help the women, these people, these families that have been hurt by these issues.

But what is this called? I need your thoughts and perspectives. I have emailed several people that work with specific groups of people and their advice has been limited.

I don’t know where to start. I don’t know where to look. I took a look at colleges but I don’t know what to look for. I’d call a school, I’ve even talked and emailed them and they don’t seem to understand what I want. They send me in directions that work for them but I want to go in the direction that works for me.

But that is hard when I don’t know what its called, let alone what it is.

Please, please, please. Suggestions, Directions, Thoughts!

One Small Step for My Man, One Giant Leap For His Mankind


Well I can’t make a post about writing more and not follow through! Keeping me accountable!

I was pleasantly surprised yesterday when I posted on FB a comment about rape and soon after my husband got a text from a friend saying “can I be smart on your wives FB without her getting mad at me” my husband looked and only saw the recent post was about rape and replied, “I wouldn’t do that for good reason, she’s sensitive about rape”

Well his friend answered a few minutes later, “well now I feel bad I was talking about her post about the nails!.” My husband, “this is really awkward now, no she wouldn’t care about you joking with her”

This had my mother in law and I in a fit if giggles. I struggled breathing. At least they were talking about it.

For me, I was impressed. My husband has stopped using the word like it’s just mean sex, that it is something you do to someone’s mother. He started working on it the first time he said it in front of me and I cried way back when we started dating in college.

Before. I would just ignore it. But I thought it was good, wether he made it sound like it was all me or not that he was warning him I’m not gonna joke around about rape.

I’ve been happy before when I watch his head jerk sharply to check on me when someone said “rape.” And I guess that he spoke up, even though spoken directly too, it still means we are moving in the right direction.

Yes, I do wish he had just jumped ahead and gone off on him but baby steps.

How do you advocate for abuse? How do you help people understand your stance on issues?

I really struggle. I don’t know if its all groups if boys or all my husbands groups of boys that have issues. That it isn’t funny to say things that are derogatory. And I don’t think they discriminate towards just gender. They say racist, sexist, piggish things.

When’s it your place to sit on the sidelines or go and say something. I make comments I wish people wouldn’t hold against me, I joke about things maybe other people find offensive. How do you know when you’re standing up or being too much?

Thanks!

GraySkyHippie

Priorities


So like I said in my last posts, I have an appointment with my therapist in a few hours. Yes procrastination at the finest.

So here we go…

Priorities for therapy:

1. Calming my Anxiety
2. Deal with Anger towards my Brother and Family
3. Deciding what to say to my Family when I Finally face them and Talk about what Happened
4. How to Handle it when it doesn’t go as Expectated
5. Working on Expectation:
-My Own
-My Husbands
-My Family
-Not having as Many
6. Show for My Appointments
-Make Time and Not Cancel
-Not be Scared to do This

My Personal Priorities

1. Devote some Time to Myself
-Learn/Play my Beautiful Guitar
-Work on Crafts/Art/Selling for myself and My Business
-Learn Spanish
-Look at More School/Plan my Next Step to help
-Read
-My Bible
-Devotional Books
-Learning/Growth Books
-Fun Books

2. Spend more Quality Time with my Daughter
– Enjoy her
-Show her Love
-Not Stess Around her

3. Spending More Quality Time with my Husband
-Doing Things Other than TV
-Not hold Past Issues Towards our Future
-Have More Intamcy (goes along with previous)
-Be Fun and Happy Around the Short Amount of Time we Have Together
-Be Thankful of All he Does Do
-Be Forgetfull of All he Doesn’t Do
-Show More Love

For now, that’s what I got. And a plus, I did my homework before my Appointment. Or in the parking lot or lobby!

A Life Well Wasted


A Life Well Wasted

An awful person I might be as I’ve said before I really enjoy when Locked Up Raw comes on and I can hope to see my brothers face amongst the guys in prison for finally something. People wonder how I can watch these shows, especially to fall asleep to them. It gives me great relaxation thinking of my abuser behind bars, where he should be. Not freely to be around kids, his own or others, to be locked up away from the ability to put anyone’s life in a tail spin like mine.

That’s all folks, dream state I am and grave photo inspired me to write, check out the link.

Again we will speak soon,

GraySkyHippie