How to Save the World

So I have had a heavy heart. I don’t always want to be a stay at home mom/wife. I love my time with my daughter. She’s curled up next to me sleeping now! I hope we adopt children and want to be with them until they start school too. I know I am very blessed to be able to stay with my daughter, don’t miss understand me but I want to do more.

I want to save the world. I will settle with saving a life. My history with incest and rape makes me want to shout loudly to educate the world but I don’t know where to start.

I would like to be trained in something, even if it involved a bit more school. Online would be amazing but not opposed to going in for a few courses. But my struggle is, not knowing what.

I want to work with sexually abused women. Specifically women/teens/children that are or have dealt with incest, molestation or rape. But where do I start? What careers do I look into? What training? What school? WHERE? WHAT?

I worked at a drug and eating disorder rehab center. I was a “recreational therapist”. I really enjoyed the work. I loved working one on one the most but was surprised at my ability to work with groups of over 60 people.

I don’t think I want to be a psychologist or psychiatrist. I want to work with support groups. I want to work one on one with people. I want to incorporate exercise, art, learning material, everything to help the women, these people, these families that have been hurt by these issues.

But what is this called? I need your thoughts and perspectives. I have emailed several people that work with specific groups of people and their advice has been limited.

I don’t know where to start. I don’t know where to look. I took a look at colleges but I don’t know what to look for. I’d call a school, I’ve even talked and emailed them and they don’t seem to understand what I want. They send me in directions that work for them but I want to go in the direction that works for me.

But that is hard when I don’t know what its called, let alone what it is.

Please, please, please. Suggestions, Directions, Thoughts!


Fragmented Thoughts

This has always been the perfect description of me. My thoughts never come in wonderful light bulb moments. But scattered and fragmented. Like my sentences. Exactly like my sentences.

They are fragmented. Section by section, random times and random places. I’ve often enjoyed this because it makes me think. It makes me decide how I feel one second and change my view the next.

I decide I hate something and two days later I’ve realized I love it… My cousin and one of my bestest friends can attests to this.

So I am telling you all this because as I write things out to you, tomorrow I could feel differently. It might be wishy washy. It might seem that I don’t know what I want or need or even think for that matter but you know what, that’s ok.

I’ve always been proud of my fragmented thoughts title. To me it feels like I’m open to new ideas and new things.

But as for writing. People can’t always follow. Those that know me best are amazing at deciphering me! It means a lot they put up with my random crazy texts, emails and/or conversations that are half of about 500 subjects!

For those just reading my blog, I’m sorry! I can be confusing and random. I have no sentence structure. I use the wrong words at the wrong time but they fit to me! I’m sorry you have to decipher.

I go on tangents that I think is complete related because that’s how my head goes. I overwhelm people with everything that’s going on in my head.

Maybe the more I write, the less my thoughts will be so fragmented. Getting stuff out of my head onto paper, really helps me relax. Not think too much.

I hope to never loose my fragmented views. I think changing your mind on your views helps keep your mind open to new things, new thoughts and new adventures!

I Got an Otter

We have been on vacation for 25 days! Oh man, I thought I would have opportunities to post but I haven’t even had time to sit! Or breath! It’s been great most of the time! My new adventure with Jamberry Nails has also made it a bit of a crazy time but crazy has meant business so that’s exciting! Parties online has helped with the schedule issues in traveling! I hosted a party online today at a restaurant on our way home! (If you want to know about this, looking for a online/in home job, message me, it’s been great!)

Anyways an otter! Maybe you remember my post about wanting to be an otter. I recently fell in love with them! We went to Grandfather Mountain and saw the otter tank! Yep just the tank, it was super nasty out and most of the animals were in hiding! But they had a stuff otter and my husband bought me a “momma” one and our daughter a “baby” one! I am so excited. I can’t wait to rest my head on my otter to sleep! Maybe it will only allow me to dream of being an otter! A girl can hope right?

I am so excited to be returning to our home state! This vacation was great but hard. It did teach me I need to push things physically! I did so much in the last 25 days! I was/am extremely exhausted but I also did it!

Well not as much as I would like to have done but I didn’t only sit on the couch or sit outside and watch my daughter play. My husband did a lot with her. It’s going to be adjustment to not have him around for both of us!

I hope to continue to be strong and do things daily. It is going to be difficult for me but I am going to try! I like to write things down on a check list, I do much better when I see it or I can check it off. I like feeling accomplished!

We will be taking a trip to the aquarium to watch the otters swim!!

High-Low is Apparently Not Just a Dress Style

I’ve been high-low for the last month and a half at least. I can’t determine if it’s just life or if I’m unstable. I think that’s one of the annoying things about seeing a psychologist, uncertainty of my sanity.

Before, when I had been to a therapist, I just thought it was a hard time that things would get better then I’d be on a high, things going great constantly till I hit a low again.

Now I just worry I’m bipolar. If I should be on meds, if the meds I’m using are working or not. If I need to go see my doctor, if my doctors helping. Is this going to last forever or just today. This constant back and forth of worries that I didn’t have before. Not that I regret therapy because I haven’t but I miss the ignorance I had before.

Living in the land of if only I could go back to the days of just thinking I’m having a bad day.

Sometimes Feeling Nothing is Best

You know, I get really frustrated. Frustrated I can’t spell brain. I’ve never been able to because my brother ( I use that turn loosely here because I don’t consider him that any longer but so you understand the relationship and my confusion with the word) anyways, my brothers name is Brian. I curse my parents now for naming him that! Not that they knew he would be my molester, but he was. Feels good to put his name out there!

I learned to spell Brian first. So I was taught brain is the other way. So now, with my brain fog, brain problems I have reverted back to old habits. Always having to figure out which is brain and which is Brian. Auto correct has helped some but I still have to type one of them to know which!

Handwriting brain, is much harder. Trying to figure out which is which. It seems so elementary. I should know. But now I’ve concluded that Brian fucked with my brain. Fitting word, I wouldn’t normally type it out to post, but it’s accurate!

Still achieving that now after years of not talking to him. Can I add that to my list of reasons why you can’t just get over being molested! I’m glad I don’t know the names of my rapists, that I never checked those court documents or restraining orders I kept for over a year always in arms length.

But as for Brain. …un yes, see what happens when I capitalize before I spell out brain. I mean, but as for Brian, it’s a curse.

But I need that reminder to not forget. To not be cautious about this subject. Sexual child abuse happens. Happens more than statistics even know because people stay silent. But I won’t stay silent anymore. I will speak out against incest, molestation, child sexual abuse, rape, sexual abuse and abuse!

I’ve always said love and hate are the same thing. Sure, you respond differently but the feelings are the same. The passion of love or the passion of hate ! I don’t want to hate anyone, I would rather feel nothing for someone than have hate for them, to give them my energy of thinking about them, talking about them, feeling rage for them.

I hate my brother, I hate Brian, but I don’t want to anymore. I don’t want too give him energy. I just want too feel nothing about him. I think finally realizing I need to look at this brain Brian thing as a gift from God to never forget to fight for a better world, an educated world, a less ignorant world!

Maybe this is the first step to not hating Brian. To feeling nothing for him. We will see, I’ll let you know the process because I’m sad to know you have also felt this way.

How have you gotten over hate? How have you been able to move past and not care about your abuser?


One Small Step for My Man, One Giant Leap For His Mankind

Well I can’t make a post about writing more and not follow through! Keeping me accountable!

I was pleasantly surprised yesterday when I posted on FB a comment about rape and soon after my husband got a text from a friend saying “can I be smart on your wives FB without her getting mad at me” my husband looked and only saw the recent post was about rape and replied, “I wouldn’t do that for good reason, she’s sensitive about rape”

Well his friend answered a few minutes later, “well now I feel bad I was talking about her post about the nails!.” My husband, “this is really awkward now, no she wouldn’t care about you joking with her”

This had my mother in law and I in a fit if giggles. I struggled breathing. At least they were talking about it.

For me, I was impressed. My husband has stopped using the word like it’s just mean sex, that it is something you do to someone’s mother. He started working on it the first time he said it in front of me and I cried way back when we started dating in college.

Before. I would just ignore it. But I thought it was good, wether he made it sound like it was all me or not that he was warning him I’m not gonna joke around about rape.

I’ve been happy before when I watch his head jerk sharply to check on me when someone said “rape.” And I guess that he spoke up, even though spoken directly too, it still means we are moving in the right direction.

Yes, I do wish he had just jumped ahead and gone off on him but baby steps.

How do you advocate for abuse? How do you help people understand your stance on issues?

I really struggle. I don’t know if its all groups if boys or all my husbands groups of boys that have issues. That it isn’t funny to say things that are derogatory. And I don’t think they discriminate towards just gender. They say racist, sexist, piggish things.

When’s it your place to sit on the sidelines or go and say something. I make comments I wish people wouldn’t hold against me, I joke about things maybe other people find offensive. How do you know when you’re standing up or being too much?