Sometimes Feeling Nothing is Best


You know, I get really frustrated. Frustrated I can’t spell brain. I’ve never been able to because my brother ( I use that turn loosely here because I don’t consider him that any longer but so you understand the relationship and my confusion with the word) anyways, my brothers name is Brian. I curse my parents now for naming him that! Not that they knew he would be my molester, but he was. Feels good to put his name out there!

I learned to spell Brian first. So I was taught brain is the other way. So now, with my brain fog, brain problems I have reverted back to old habits. Always having to figure out which is brain and which is Brian. Auto correct has helped some but I still have to type one of them to know which!

Handwriting brain, is much harder. Trying to figure out which is which. It seems so elementary. I should know. But now I’ve concluded that Brian fucked with my brain. Fitting word, I wouldn’t normally type it out to post, but it’s accurate!

Still achieving that now after years of not talking to him. Can I add that to my list of reasons why you can’t just get over being molested! I’m glad I don’t know the names of my rapists, that I never checked those court documents or restraining orders I kept for over a year always in arms length.

But as for Brain. …un yes, see what happens when I capitalize before I spell out brain. I mean, but as for Brian, it’s a curse.

But I need that reminder to not forget. To not be cautious about this subject. Sexual child abuse happens. Happens more than statistics even know because people stay silent. But I won’t stay silent anymore. I will speak out against incest, molestation, child sexual abuse, rape, sexual abuse and abuse!

I’ve always said love and hate are the same thing. Sure, you respond differently but the feelings are the same. The passion of love or the passion of hate ! I don’t want to hate anyone, I would rather feel nothing for someone than have hate for them, to give them my energy of thinking about them, talking about them, feeling rage for them.

I hate my brother, I hate Brian, but I don’t want to anymore. I don’t want too give him energy. I just want too feel nothing about him. I think finally realizing I need to look at this brain Brian thing as a gift from God to never forget to fight for a better world, an educated world, a less ignorant world!

Maybe this is the first step to not hating Brian. To feeling nothing for him. We will see, I’ll let you know the process because I’m sad to know you have also felt this way.

How have you gotten over hate? How have you been able to move past and not care about your abuser?

GraySkyHippie

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5 thoughts on “Sometimes Feeling Nothing is Best

    • I fear my brother too. I avoid all situations that might lead to seeing him. But I fear the situations I can’t control. I have no question if he got me alone that evil ass, I was looking for a nicer word but their isn’t, would harm me. So I go over in my head what I can do and it helps me not give him the control of my fear. But I still struggle. It is debilitating so I understand the feeling of the fear never going away. I think I see him around my town hours from him and I stop cold in shock and fear so I understand somewhat

  1. I try to always have a plan, and a cell phone. I get it. I think the fear and my busy life keeps the hate at bay. But I am fresh out, I just escaped two years ago. Maybe when I see how long this trauma reaches, how long the children are affected, I will have more hate. It might be a process that I have to go through. I am not a fan of forgive and forget, anyway.

  2. Me neither. I don’t mean I’m going to ever forgive him. I did it once and he tried again. I have him forgiveness and he used it as an opportunity to try again! I will never trust him, never have my child around him and it’s been like 18 years. But I don’t want to feel hate cause that’s giving him those feelings. It’s giving him energy I don’t need to give him! It’s a process. It’s a long process. I might never achieve. But I want to feel nothing. I want the power not him! But I know you faced a different kind of abuse, your healing means different things for you! And I know if my child had been directly effected, I wouldn’t feel the same. You did the best thing for you and your children. You are strong, you are brave and I know it doesn’t mean much but I am so proud of you!

  3. I think it’s for me “forgive” and learn for me at this point. Something my family hasn’t quite gotten. It is their son, their brother. They didn’t know him like I did so it’s hard for some grasp how I feel. And for that, I’m so unbelievably happy for them. I just wish I would get reassured more that it’s ok to feel what I feel about him!

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