So people say get over it, get over my sexual abuse. You just need to move past it and become better for it. It’s one of the most frustrating things. It effects me every day. I have blogged previously about the decisions and thoughts that come up with my daughter and I am in fear of doing the wrong thing or feeling the wrong thing. But today I’m not going to talk about that.
Today I’m going to talk about my BRAIN OVERLOAD! I know some is partially brain fog from meds and my current ailment but some of this showed up right after being raped. I took like half the semester off my senior year. I couldn’t function, my brain was on overload. I couldn’t keep up with my classes, my homework, anything. My therapist said this was normal. Can we say, totally not normal!?!? But I guess, normal to people that have been abused.
So I left school but returned to find the same trouble. I couldn’t focus. I could no longer multi task. And that is my problem today.
I can’t multi task! You never even realize that you are doing 500 things at once until you’ve lost the ability. Now I know when I’m only doing 2! I used to write, study, listen to music, watch tv all at the same time. Now I can’t even write with the tv on!
It’s mind blowing. I get physically angry and upset and really hot. That’s the first sign for me, didn’t realize till now. If I scream (not ask) my husband to turn the fan on or ac up, I should stop. Stop whatever I’m doing and just go decompress. But we all know it’s impossible for me to see it as it’s happening.
So the second sign, yelling, cursing, screaming. Any and all! Not in a fun, I’m excited and frustrated I missed two fruits on my fruit pop app! But an I hate you, me and life yelling, cursing and screaming.
Third, any sound sounds like screeching, high pitched, nails on chalkboard to my ears. I squint and pull back at the sound of anyone or anything. And if you make a sound, I follow up with the second sign again, yelling, screaming and cursing at the anything and anyone making the sound.
Today my poor husband, I really wish he would see the signs and help me keep it in check but it is my responsibility. Maybe writing it out will help me step away and relax.
Anyways, I was on Facebook, designing business cards, making a word document, checking out images on our business website. But my husband had a game on, as loud as possible (why does basketball, screaming fans really have to be so loud…but I’m still in my dark room decompressing, at the angry stage but not yelling anymore). My daughter had her iPad on and up where I could hear. And my husband was talking.
Should have stopped with Facebook business meeting when the little chirps of everyone leaving comments was pissing me off. No. I plugged on. Finally finished my business cards, checking out and I have to ask my husband for his card. Then he proceeds to talk to me. I scream don’t talk to me. I could kill you or me. He knows I don’t mean this but gets. Don’t talk or we are gonna fight!
I check out through the computer down and proceed to go upstairs. Argh, have to talk to him again! Grrrrrrrrrrr, no seriously I growl. He looks up says never mind. I get to the top of the stairs and know I have to ask a favor.
Does it matter that I am asking him a favor. NOPE! Yell at him my question, get pissed when he can’t hear me, yell meaner. Then end it with fine never mind. I say make sure you don’t come up here for 30 minutes or off with your head!
So I guess I am proud to say, I am learning. Ask me a few weeks ago, I wouldn’t have warned him. I would have started full out war on my husband for him simple talking. Now I still yell but only to warn him I have no patience. And I knew I needed 30 minutes if my own time!
So now to pick up on my behaviors that can help me stay on green, not past the yellow or red mark! Today was probably orange. But first time I realized I have these triggers that are going to increase anxiety, frustration, anger…a break through!
But for those of you that say get over it, I say bite me! I had a hot head before. But I totally loose it now when there are things that are notable different after my rape. Things I can never put back to normal, things I can’t change no matter how hard I tried.
Now I know I need to do as I did today and understand my limitations and figure out solutions to adapt to my “new” life. I’ve always known/said my life has never been the same since my rape and finally letting loose the truth of my incest abuse but I wouldn’t choose to go back. I think it’s easier for me to say that because of the years of the sexual abuse from my brother but I have always been much more aware of peoples choices, lifestyle, the reason why they are who they are. You never know what someone is going through and because of that you can never truly understand why they act the way they act or choose the way they choose. And until you’ve been in their shoes, you can never judge them for their choices.
And honestly now, I’m not like my parents, I’m not like random friends and family, I see raising my child differently. I think of the people that come in and out of her life differently. I am always aware of how anyone can be a predator, and I will honestly know I did everything in my power to keep her safe.
But there are no guarantees in life, I know my daughter could end up down the same road in life but I will understand, support and love her completely. I am not at peace about this, that’s why I am anxious about child care, friends, family I have in her life.
As I know with my life my God isn’t out to do harm but to love. But the devil is fighting back. All I can say without a doubt is bad things happen and God is always there to show us the light.
So I leave you in my brain overload I wanted to take the time to write this down but I’m really sorry if I confused you in my fragmented thoughts.