Past Abuse and Your Child

Calling all bloggers. How do you deal with the worry of protecting your kids?

I struggle with this overwhelming worry about my daughter. I don’t want her 29 finally dealing with sexual abuse straight on?

I want to protect her, keep her safe. I know I can’t completely but I struggle with how clueless apparently my family was about it. I don’t want to be in that situation, I feel sorry for them but I don’t want to end up here again.

How do y’all deal with it? What do you do to help these feelings? And what do you do to know you protected your child?

How are you vigilant in keeping your kids safe as possible? How do you stop the cycle of abuse?

I struggle daily with fear that the cycle will just continue. That my daughter will be tormented with these feelings? I want her to be aware but not be trapped by this.

Are you honest with them? What do you do?

9 thoughts on “Past Abuse and Your Child

  1. When all four of my boys got to be four, I gave them a small talk about where their private parts were. I told them that nobody was allowed to see or touch them, unless said child gave them permission. I also said that sometimes a doctor or nurse needs to see and/or touch them if there is something wrong with them, but that Mommy or Daddy would be in the room with them. I made sure that they knew they could always tell Mommy or Daddy about any situation they were in that made them feel uncomfortable. And if Mommy or Daddy were not around, to find an adult in a position of authority and tell them about it. I made it a point to also tell them that if an adult touches their private parts, or looks at them, and it makes them uncomfortable, they should tell us or an adult they trusted about the incident, even if the other adult told them not to tell anyone. I assured them that Mommy and Daddy would always believe what they told us about inappropriate touches. I don’t want my boys to be victims of sexual abuse the way I was as a little girl. I think it’s important for adult abuse survivors, who are parents, to talk specifically to your children about abuse. We need them to understand that it’s wrong, and it’s not their fault. For me, it’s always been super important to me, to address the abuses that I suffered with my children, so that I can help end the cycle. By educating them about abuse, it is my hope that they it will make it less likely for them to be victims themselves. I hope that this has been helpful.

    • Thank you so much this is very helpful. Do you or did you have anxiety or struggle with this? Or other things? People that don’t understand, tell me to relax. But I don’t want to relax. I think it’s important. Did you find baby sitters and or childcare? Do any specific things to help judge or ask to relieve any anxiety leaving your boys with them?

      • Well, I never really left them with babysitters. I left them with friends I’d known for a long time, who loved them as much as I do. I was also a stay at home mom most of their childhood. I think the best thing as far as babysitters and childcare, is to get the names of other families who have employed their services. After you get a feel for what they are like, then I think you should be honest with them about your anxieties. You don’t have to go into intricate details, but you should at least let them know that you want to make sure that your children will be safe with them. You could be vague, and just state that you had some upsetting situations in your own childhood. Often times, this gives them an opportunity to reassure you that they will do everything they can to accommodate you, and ensure the safety and well-being of your children. If they don’t immediately try and reassure you after you’ve made that statement about your childhood, I’d take that as a very good indicator that they’re a bit indifferent, and care more about the money than your children.

        I’m with you, it IS important. A parent who cannot feel confident about who is taking care of their child(ren) while they’re away is a dangerous creature. You shouldn’t have to calm down, until they have demonstrated, to your satisfaction, that they will take excellent care of your children, and that they will make sure your children are safe.

  2. I can’t lend helpful advice myself but just want to share that I too struggle with this and hope that you find a way for your daughter. My son has limited means of communication at this time and I worry about protecting him when I don’t know how to explain to him what should and shouldn’t be happening to him.

    • I am so sorry, I can’t understand that difficulty for you. Thank you for sharing that I am not the crazy women worried about her daughter. I feel like the more voices that speak up, the more the world is educated on the issues all abuse can cause. Even world a away from the time of abuse, you still are linked to it.

  3. Hi,

    My kids are 5 and 8. My main issue right now is to be keep my self stable. “Presence proceeds projection” is something I recently said in a therapy session. My eldest is the age of when I was abuse so there is triggers there. With both children, I had conversations about appropriate touch and about not keeping secrets versus privacy. There are not many opportunities where they are alone with strangers for long periods of time, mostly at school. Thanks for your blog.

    • Can you explain more on your “presence proceeds projection”. Will I know the right time to start talking? Like now age 2, or when do they understand? I can’t imagine those triggers. I was terrified to have a first born son, I felt such relief when we found out it was a girl. I struggle having an older brother. I know it’s not logical but even as we consider adoption, I struggle! Thank you!!

      • Hi, GraySkyHippie. P3 means that I used to check out in life. Sometimes it would be disassociation and being spacey, and I can’t protect my kids well If I am in my head, even just their day to day emotional needs. Othertimes I would be away because of work – a combination of workaholism and bad time management. Other times I would be just tired / and or angry, and may go to bed early, for example. On occasion, it was drinking to excess, or using sleeping pills or over the counter uppers. I came to realize that all this was just another form of neglect, and I had to work hard to be in the now with my kids, then I am more able to keep them safe in all ways. I still have bad days, and my wife/their mother shares in keeping them safe, and I don’t have to be perfect.

        I am no expert on this. I would talk to them about things when it feels natural in your insides – trust your gut. As they learn words, and the family shares a bath room, etc. slowly as they get older – there will be natural conversations about privacy, appropriate touching, etc. Thanks. I am glad I found your blog!

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