I Dont Care If You Love Me, If You Hate Me

While enjoying a great afternoon out in the sun, Avril Lavinge’s Song What the Hell, came floating around me. I have always been notorious for taking bits and pieces of songs and turning them into keys to parts of my life. And this time is no different. But I feel like it completely captured all I have been blogging about my college years.

All my life I’ve been good,
But now
I’m thinking What The Hell
All I want is to mess around
And I don’t really care about
If you love me
If you hate me
You can save me

Yep, pretty much perfect, for me. All my life I’ve been good. Even with my first boyfriend. It was a relationship every mother and father would dream for. One I hope my own daughter will go through to learn a boy can treat you this nice. He would pick you up at your house, call you on your phone daily, miss him? well then he will just drive an hour and half to see you. He would always buy dinner, open doors, be a gentlemen. But no sex, he liked that i was a “virigin” and he never tried to push the limits, even if I did. It was good to have my first date/boyfriend not be expected to have sex. He was wonderful. But even up to the point, I had for the majority lived up what my parents, and many folks would call the churches rules. The worst thing I had done was drinking alcohol and that was few and far between times, and it had made me feel beyond guilty.

I feel like when I met soccer star I was finally already getting annoyed. It just really feel like I was just like what the hell. My parents gave me a warning about their friend in the church that his college soccer players where “trouble”. I had already met soccer star, I didn’t care. I was totally at the what the hell, go all in, enjoy life and do what I want. I became extremely secretive about what I was doing, and with who. To be with someone they agreed with. But after I said what the hell. It was just freeing to do what I wanted, when I wanted. Again, the control issue Ive spoke so much about. I was in control of my body, I was in control of my actions, I was in control of my life. For the first time ever and it felt amazing.

The next part:
“All I want is to mess around
And I don’t really care about
If you love me
If you hate me
You can save me”

I just wanted to be free with my body once the ex and I, broke up then soccer star wasn’t so interested in “saving me” I just wanted to mess around, not caring if it hurt me, my family, friends. I just didn’t care. I didn’t care if they loved me or hated me. I thought soccer star and A loved me, so it was easier for me to go back between them both and just add random people when I felt like it. I think I had hope one of them would save me. But it wasn’t their place to save me. It was Gods choice and He has saved me. He never left me, He was always there. He wanted to be part of my life. He didn’t judge me for sleeping around, He didn’t decide I wasn’t good enough for Him. He stayed beside me offering me comfort and support when I would take it from Him.

“You say that I’m messing with your head
All cause I was making out with your friend
Love hurts whether it’s right or wrong
I can’t stop cause I’m having too much fun”

I also think this part was really fitting. See, love this song. I liked messing with boys heads. I think it felt good to me to spike their interest, be coy. Have fun with my sexuality. Flirt, tease, love. It didn’t matter because what my brother and later my rapists had shown me that Love hurts whether its right or wrong.

That not only had my brother incest had been completely confusing to me. But after being raped and then telling about my brother. And that I knew I loved my parents, my friends, even strangers but their love hurt. The way the responded and acted towards me after both. It hurt me deeply. I only had a few friends that stuck with me the whole time that didn’t hurt me completely. It just hit me enough yesterday to write it down to share with you. I think the tough beat is fitting too. You just want to yell loud the words and jump around the room with passion. Do you have any songs that help you?

Ok that is it for today! Hope you rock around the room like my daughter and I did to this song!



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