I didn’t know how to handle the rape, I had A to talk to. And even before I mentioned I left school for 5 weeks, like I said, if you’re a new reader please go back and read all about that.
But regarding my senior year with A. It still a little foggy the time line. I can hardly remember how that semester really went.
A came to visit first time, well actually thinking back both times, went pretty bad. He basically just used my room to crash. I was all in, thinking he was too. We talked so much before each visit. And I guess I was so into him I couldn’t see that he was back to what we had before. Just being friends. But for a girl, for me it was harder. I think its harder for us to stay detached, to keep that line in the black not the gray. I guess being friends with benefits like we had been for years when I was confused about soccer star confused me but I thought things had changed. I had been talking with soccer star but that line was black. That I was all in. And he didn’t communicate he, is a guys guy, no talk or communication. I only recently realized that he was there for me, but he never shared about himself. Not until 2 years ago did he start sharing more about himself with me, after I was married. But from the day I had been raped and called him, him being the only one knowing what to say. Being behind me, I needed him. I needed him around.
But anyways the visits, in my eyes went bad. I wanted him to make time for me, I thought thats why he was visiting, to be with me. I had started taking Ambien, I was abusing it. Not always but during stressful times, it made me feel really good or really bad. That time, it made me feel really bad. I was cutting my leg, forearm. I understand those that cut, it is just helps relieve the pain. A came back to me cutting, i remember him yelling and fighting with me. He picked me up, and I loved that. It made me feel cared for and loved. It made me feel safe in his arms, my only comfort.
We talked about why I was upset, about him not spending time with me but everyone else. We yelled and argued about it all. But with A, I loved the arguing. He still is the only one that knows me, that I walk away and I need to be grabbed, pulled back held even if I was fighting, screaming, kicking, hitting, punching. That I needed to resolve the issue then or it would stay in my head forever. I think, think, and think about stuff over and over again. I have issues just dropping fights. I like them to be fought out and finished. This still plagues me in my current life, I have just recently realized that the friends that stick around during the hard stuff are the friends you need to keep. Even if its months or years later. I have 3 friends Ive more recently cut out of my life over upsetting things for me. And I just want for them to work it out, but they have to want to too. I guess I need to try again. But its hard when you try and get no response. For me, I need to finish it out or it plagues me. I need to talk it out so we can be friends again or realize we aren’t going to be friends.
Anyways A’s first visit, to me ended well, we of course probably had sex, we probably kissed. I can’t remember. But I know for sure he held me to sleep. But all that, to me it meant all was well. I was used to not having that commitment. I had had guys in and out of my life never putting a label on things. I thought it was just a guy thing. Of course guys loved that about me, I could have sex without attachment so easily back then because it would be clear on how they responded after. And I was always ok with it because, I didn’t want to be nagging with them about such things. I thought if they are acting like a boyfriend, then they were. If they acted loving, it was love. We continued to talk all the time. It seemed fine to me. Now I realize, it wasn’t respecting myself or even teaching guys the value of respecting a girl.
But after A’s second visit things went bad, really bad. It was the same thing, he came up to visit and visited with everyone but me. He showed up back at my place after ll pm and I was crying. It was like why wasn’t I important enough to at least go with him. Now I realize he thought nothing about it, we were friends, he came to visit other friends and I was one of them. That it was just good to see me. He thought us laying in bed together was enough time together. But for me, it wasn’t enough. I wanted him to spend more time with me, more than just the secret of the night. We had a fight, he didn’t care this time. I was basically attacking him. Trying to get any physical comfort. Sex, a kiss, something. I don’t remember if I got anything. He was gone the next morning early and that was it.
He left me at the worst time. I was still dealing with being raped, he had been one of the only people I could truly talk to. It was awful for me. I was alone. I felt alone.
I went through an awful time of adapting without A in my life. He truly was one of my only true comforts. I think to me, it was hard to not have someone want me. I was depressed.