Of course, then, I didn’t know it was going to be my husband. K. I actually had him in several classes before and thought he was an idiot. He drove me crazy, asking questions the teacher had just said the answer too. Outspoken and loud, really loud. ANNOYING!
So I had gotten close to one girl in particular, J. J and I had spent a lot of time together since we were on the swim team together. We both were not fans of our new coach. I felt like she had no training in swimming, which she didn’t, just triathlons. But the season was finally done. And we had some fun for once not running, swimming all the time!
J and I had wanted to go out that night but didn’t really know where or with who so we told a mutual friend and he said that him and K where going downtown. So we went along. I was introduced to K, already annoyed that this was the guy we were gonna have to spend the night with, he didn’t even recognize me from our several classes. I told my friend, J to stay away from him. That he was dumb and in nice words, a jerk. So still shy, I can’t dance. I do what I call a finger dance, that I stole from my nephew when he was about 2. I have no rhythm, J and I had more experience bouncing around being crazy in our dorm rooms than actual dancing. So she was really nervous, I wasn’t my normal drinking or drunk self so it didn’t go so well.
We ended back in their dorm room with a bunch of people. Well the guy has an Auburn beer cozy, and I’m like “oh, you like Auburn? I wish I had been good enough to swim there.” Suddenly K notices me. Haha about sums up our romance and marriage. I say Auburn, Im all his. He didn’t notice any of the other girls after that. We spent the rest of the hang out time talking. J, worried about me because I had said stay away from that jerk asked if I wanted to leave with her, I said “No, he is surprisingly not as dumb as I thought.” Well, K and I stayed up all night talking, I realized he was actually smart, he took advanced classes that they didn’t have in our school. And that he was much easier to talk to than I ever would have thought. We kissed, made out more of. And suddenly a change in me, I didn’t want to have sex with him. I wanted this to be special, different from the others. I remember going to J’s room gleefully telling her I didn’t have sex with him!! I was so excited, they had come to know that was really different for me!
So K and I saw each other everyday and every night. Spring break was closely approaching, and I was nervous how the break would go. I went home, he went his 12 hrs home. We talked everyday. I had to go back to school early because of the R.A. position I had. He surprised me and came back early too. It made me so happy he was eager to see me too. He brought me Wendy’s. Our first real “date” we called it.
This relationship was the first healthy one that I had had since my very first boyfriend, maybe more healthy than that because he knew all my dirt and cared for me anyways. I was still dealing with the rape, taking and abusing ambien still, drinking up a storm. But it was honest. I still could go hang with my friends. Put them first. He would go out with his guys. I think that part was really healthy. And I realized just how different it had been in the past. We would text each other from our various locations, missing each other but still capable of being separate. I loved that about us. It was freeing yet felt loving. Sometime near easter, before he went home with me, we decided we were dating. Im sure he could tell you the exact date. A and soccer star had both met my parents but never as a boyfriend. It went pretty good.
He didn’t have the same religious background so I had to do all the warning of please don’t curse, watch what you say. Sure I made it extremely nerve racking for him. Since up to that point, I was still in that pretending everything was normal with them, that I had that same belief. It was easier that way then. But we made it through the weekend. He talked to his mom daily, normally in front of me and about me. Things went really fast but it was right at the time. We both said we loved each other soon after that. We were hardly apart but classes. During that time, most of my friends had moved off campus and me and J had a falling out because of my honesty, I’m still mastering that (post to come).
But we were basically living in each others room. We had sex several weeks/months after we had started hanging out. Later he told me, he would have never called me back if I had the first time. Which for me, was an eyeopener of all my past sexual experiences. Maybe I would have had more serious relationships if I had held out. I don’t think its Gods intention to put all the pressure on the girl in this decision, I think that both the guy and girl need to be taught mutual respect and honesty. But things work out how they are suppose to because, in the end, K was the right choice for me. He would take me to picnics in the park, we would go for walks, we would have water gun fights. Be silly and serious. It was a good relationship. We did drink hard, I was still abusing ambien. But it started making me do crazy things I didn’t remember and K asked me to stop, so I took it to help me sleep when I needed. But we still drunk and played hard. We had sex all the time, I think this is important to mention here because later, even now, I struggle with intimacy because of my past trauma (I know I will get into that more, as I am still growing and healing)
During that time A called me, I don’t even know how A understood anything because I was sobbing on the phone with him. “How could you just leave me? Just leave, when I needed you most?” Kyle came in sometime after that, he was angry that someone was making me upset. It felt good that someone didn’t even know what was going on, cared enough just to see me upset and be angry for me.
But I was in a better place, and soon I was able to understand how much pressure I had put on A, to have him be my only comfort. My only friend left around that cared how I was doing. Then on top of that seeking comfort from him, not only in talking but sexually too. It had been too much for him, it wasn’t fair of me to judge why he had left.
I also was also able finally able to see from an outside prospective and then tell A that it was one of the best things to have happen to me. I finally connected to girls, I had some girl friends throughout college but my first 3 years had been mainly all about boys. That if he had been talking to me, I might not have taken such an honest interest in K and known what a real relationship could be.
I think we talked several times after that, random times. You know you can have a best friend when you can just pick up a phone and talk. Talk like you hadn’t talked in a week, a month or year.
Graduation fast approaching, my parents told me they were still shocked I was able to finish the first semester after being raped but continuing on to be graduating college. First real positive thing they had said to me in a while.
I was scared of what that mean for K and I. We would have to do a 12 hour, long distance relationship. We both knew it be hard. But we were gonna try. It was a sad day leaving him but I knew it wouldn’t be the end.
And it wasn’t, we had ups and downs. I mentioned earlier about my time in rehab. We broke up, got back together a lot. Im gonna probably post about that soon.
Thanks for staying with me,