So I think in giving a background in my history, in my romance is helpful. I already spring in and out of past and present. That if you didn’t know all the details, it might be confusing. I think its also good for me to write it all out. Come clean if you will. I wasn’t one of the girls that decided not to kiss until their wedding day. And don’t take that as me saying thats bad, if you can do that, thats amazing. But to the rest of the population, or even to the majority (not that I have taken polls, and checked statistics but from the people I know and have met) of the Christian based population, it is a reality that you’re gonna have sex before your married.
I have not been trying to tell you of all my romance for pure fun but as you can tell despite the many people, it was the same thing, over and over. And I have learned much in my years of being promiscuous. Is that a church word? It sounds so dirty. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t but I know I wouldn’t trade those years for anything. I meet a lot of people, people that have stayed in my life throughout my years giving me great prospective and great comfort.
Am I saying that I think God wants you to go out and have a bunch of sex, NO! But what I am saying is that if you have gone out and done these things, you aren’t alone. God isn’t out to hate people that do wrong. He isn’t standing there keeping tabs, of all the wrong things you do and you need to do penitence for. I also don’t believe you break His rules you are condemned to eternal damnation.
The God that I know is about love, forgiveness, growth. Finding your strength in Him no matter how many times YOU or the devil knocks you down.
But also in telling you all this, I realize my many love interests, hmmm only a few I can actually call love but I can call it sex, my much had sex, with classmates or strangers was out of seeking. Seeking something I had lost a long time ago. Lost the first time my brother touched me, or maybe just the first time I realized what he was doing wrong. My right to choose what happened to me. As a kid, especially a kid growing up in the church, you don’t get many options. You go to church on Sunday, Sunday night and Wednesday night. Later in life you often spend all your time and focus on friends and activities from church. Or growing up in the church you’re told every little detail of your life and how its gonna happen.
It was ok for me to do all church things, and go swimming. Luckily for me, my swimming, and my swimming friends was an outlet. I found some spunk and freedom with this mixed up group of characters. My swim coach didn’t give us much options but I finally got to pick which events I was swimming or soon what swim meet I would be attending. And it felt GREAT!
I think when I finally knew for sure I wasn’t a virgin. The flood gates opened and I was free to decide who would touch me and when. That no longer in my head was just a girl that my brother ruined but a girl that could make her own decisions. I could flirt with anyone and everyone, I could wear what I wanted (also something that NEVER happened at home), I could be who I wanted to be.
Now don’t get me wrong, for the majority of people that knew me, I was quiet and tame. They never would have guessed I was busy as I was. My time of sleeping around lasted for a short time. I started when I was 19, ended by maybe 22. But I got a lot in, in those short years before I started dating my current husband.