Sometimes my blog is a little intense, Im working on several posts, majority come from a journal I wrote when I was frustrated with everything going on in my head. But today, its REAL TIME. I added some pictures of some stuff I’ve done for my Creativity in Healing store, I created a lot right after I was raped. I used my pain, frustration, anger and healing in my painting, you will see the lotus flower, growth from the mud, lots of trees symbolizing that I can grow from this and I worked with a lot of tape and water color, I think during that time I felt like I wasn’t being listened to. I have better descriptions on the my store page, if you email me, I can send it to you. ANYWAYS, on to the VENT!
I spent all morning doing the dishes. We have to SCRUB our dishes, completely clean before we can put them in the dishwasher. It is the most annoying thing! I know I should be thankful for a dishwasher but honestly, I feel like I should use it as a big drying rack instead of a dishwasher. I wish I lived next to the Maytag Man. I love there commercials, he is awesome.
Let me start with we moved into our FIRST house. We finally own a house, it has been a dream forever. I never wanted to own a home in Virginia, I can never even spell the states name right. Of all the states we have lived in, this is my least favorite. I loved South Carolina, Florida, North Carolina. They have that southern charm, people that wave and go out of their way to be nice. Good customer service is hard to find here. But I need to accept that we own a house here. We moved in November 15th 2013, and its April 9th 2014. I mean really 6 months and there is STILL stuff to be moved in.
I know I need to take a lesson from my cousin thats going minimalistic but if it isn’t moved in, I can’t figure out what needs to go! We did have issues at first, “renovating” by removing our carpet that was just full of allergens that neither my daughter or I could handle. We were extremely lucky that the original floors where able to be redone. But it took the majority of our renovation money, plus some.
I have been having horrible health problems. My doctor is finally sending me to a neurologist and pain management specialist to determine if maybe its Fibromyalgia or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Its ONLY been 2 years of pain, fatigue, lab work, useless doctor vists. Thanks Navy, again I am thankful for our health care, we pay so little for it. But 2 years, seriously, I am ready for answers. Several days, I just physically can’t move. All days, I struggle with walking. Im swollen everywhere. I always tell them that I know what pain is. I swam all my life, two a day practices through elementary, middle, high school. Swam for 4 years at my college where I often did 3 practices a day, would do weight lifting, elliptical, rowing machine and be on the treadmill. I know pain, I always tell them everyday I feel 40% worse than my worst day of extreme practicing, and worst days it can be up to 80% worse. Its been bad, and frustrating.
Frustrating because this has hit me 4 times, started in middle school, then high school, college, after college and now. I got hit by a truck when riding a bike in florida, this is worse. I still managed to paint our 3 bedroom house in South Carolina. I had hip surgery in November 2010, Pregnant 6 months after surgery, Delivered a baby in November 2011. Moved to Virginia in like May 2012. My husband did his first deployment about 3 weeks later. Had a 5 month year old on my own, moved in all of our stuff. Started painting, managed to paint 2 rooms before this episode of fatigue and pain hit me. I was lucky my mother in law was able to come stay for a month to help with my daughter and household needs.
So Virginia has been bad for me, hired painters to finish painting our first house. Separated from my husband for 6 month so I moved to a 2 bedroom apartment. Did much better there for a bit with it only being able to fit our necessitates but struggled with getting out because the stairs. My husband and I got back together. Dealt with horrible bug problems at the apartment, it was crazy no matter how much I could clean… Id turn on our stove and millions of bugs would come out. They even sprayed every other week. Dealt with annoying landlords. Finally got out of our house agreement. So we weren’t paying 2 rents. Then finally purchased this house.
Im exhausted all the time and I just want our house done. So anyways, a month and half of floor renovations. Then we finally just finished painting inside the house. I want to do so much but I physically can’t. Its been extremely frustrating to my husband who works long hours, gone overnight every 4 or 5 days but then has to sleep the next day. He just wants some time off, I get it but I just want the house done and I can’t do it. I physically can’t do it. It makes me so angry, frustrated and mad.
We would have saved so much money and been able to do so much more to our house, or not gotten credit card debt…which we had finally gotten out of for the first time in our lives. If only I felt good enough to help! Guilt, it makes me have strong feelings of guilt.
Don’t get me wrong, I do what I can but I have to choose: dishes, my daughters bath, my shower, cleaning the living room or working on unpacking. Dishes normally win. Every 3 days we finally get a bath. The stairs literally kill me. I can’t do them more than 3 times or the pain is excruciating that night and next day. My husband can sleep anywhere and loves our bed but I can’t sleep in it. Its so annoying, I am more comfortable on couch which of course means not great sleep but better than tons of pain when I wake up.
I have prime hours 9-11am. I have to pick and choose what I can do. And I HATE it. I just wish I was better, back to my old self. Have everything set up and organized already so we can just be living in our house. I just want to be living and enjoying our house. We could be moving anytime. We hope we are here for 2 more years but there are never promises in the Navy. Then we will be renting out the house. At this rate, by the time the house is ready, we will be moving and its so frustrating.
I need, NEED a new bed. We found the most amazing one, a Sleep Number. It moves so my legs can be elevated while sleeping in bed. My husband actually liked it after about 15 different stores of shopping for a bed, it was perfect. He can set his side to as firm as possible, sit up if he wants or lay down, while I set my programs. I keep reading sleep is the key to feeling better and we can’t afford the bed and work on our house. Now the debt we have created from painting I couldn’t do and moving I couldn’t help with and had to pay people to help. We can’t afford it and it makes me so angry. I know people have worse problems but like I said, this is a vent. An extreme vent. And apparently a wish…
What I wish for is for our house to be done. It be a dream come true to turn our dining room into a master bedroom, have a shower downstairs so I can wake up, bathe ourselves. Like I said, a new dishwasher so I don’t have to waste an hour of my prime time on pre scrubbing our dishes. A two door dishwasher would be amazing to do a days worth of dishes and run it at night and only have to unload in the morning so I can pick up the living room. Then enjoy my good time with my daughter.
I would love to have more room in the kitchen, a stove thats not ancient a gas stove and a double oven, hey this is a wish, why not throw in a new fridge. We are gonna paint the kitchen cabinets an antique lighter green, butcher block counter tops, antique mirrored backsplash, and a new sink, built in seating for the little space.
We have a really weird divider in our living room, like someone just cut the wall to have an opening. Id love to open up the wall up. Have a larger table that we can use as an activity space for everyday living, my daughter and I can do art projects and play card with my husband or something other than TV at night, board games for get togethers. I got this cool chair to recover and paint but I physically can’t now, Id like to get other sitting chairs to pull the table out and sit around when we have guests over to eat, have family style meals or put buffet out for big groups. I want to repaint the coffee table so it looks better, I painted it for a craft fair and didn’t get a chance to finish.
I want a console behind our couch. to hold our shoes, and the clothes my husband and child love to just take off everyday and leave around our house. I could even keep the mail there out of sight. If we are going even more extreme Id love to have french doors to our porch. Doggie door would be wonderful to allow the dogs some freedom but first they’d need to be taught NOT to bark. Up and down letting them out and going to yell at them to hush, makes my feet swell and me even more exhausted.
I would finally finish my daughters room, update the closet so it has drawers, and shelves and a place to grow into. Id love to get her at least a full bed and put it in the corner with padded headboard on both sides so it feels like an extreme couch, Id love to make it! To design her bed low to the floor with storage shelves under her low bed for shoes, or toys. She might sleep better because she currently falls out of her toddler bed frequently which either makes me, if my husband doesn’t wake up run to her screaming. Lessing the breaks in my sleep cycle, and extra trips I can’t afford, Id feel better.
Id love our upstairs room to be ready for guests. Being in the military, you want to see your family and friends. Especially since I have made hardly any friends and lost the 3 friends I had here. Id love to invite my parents, sisters, my little brother and friends. Id love a queen bed with a loft twin above it so when they come, their kids can sleep in that room. Id love to put book shelves in the opposite corner with a space for a tv. update the closet with drawers, shelves, hanging rod that WORKS.
Id love for our current master to be a wonderful place for guest with kids or without to enjoy and want to come back to. Id love a nice comfy bed for them, or for us when my parents or Kyles parents come and can’t do stairs, so I can still sleep soundly. Id build a luxury vanity/desk next to the bathroom because it doesn’t have enough space in the current bathroom. All built in, for guests and soon renters to enjoy.
Id love for all of our bathrooms to be updated, new floors, new tiles with grout that isn’t falling out. I would make a wonderful shower in our current master. Its already a big space that could have seating and double shower heads. I NEW TOILET in our down stairs bathroom that you don’t have to unclog every time you use it or wiggle the handle and cabinet space.
Id have navy doors throughout the house (unlike the doors that were horrible cut to fit the carpet, and now are an inch off the floor) and have the molding all painted white and luxury in every room. Id want for our outdoors to be done so we can just up keep it my husband is so excited to be doing it but its taking so long to get where we just have to maintain it. Id love a place for adults to sit and kids to play. So we can have company, make friends here, have friends over, a place they’d enjoy.
I would want my garage finished. Have the laundry area all fixed to hang clothes that need to air dry, folding space and containers that can easily be moved back to the rooms they need to go. But mostly my craft space. Paint all the walls. Have pegboard everywhere, painted minty green or gray purple. All the stuff I sale online in baskets and a place to hang up the clothes I sale, the fabric for creating, ribbon storage. A big bar table in the middle and a couch for friends or my daughter to enjoy being with me. A tv, to be inspired by HGTV while working on clothes, crafts and laundry. Cabinets under the pegboard. That would house my sewing machine, cricut, dremel, paint sprayer,tools and books I have for crafts and decorating, all the recyclables I keep to do projects (jars, cans, drawers, shelves). All my paints, a place set up with canvas so if I feel creative to paint and it easily be put away when I have a child that needs me. A place with easy accessible backgrounds to take good pictures of what I make and paint so I can sell items. I would want one of those retro yellow fridge/freezer for extra food and drinks when we have company and easy to get to while I’m focused. A heater and air conditioner to work no matter the weather and whatever you need to make sure all my crafts don’t get messed up.
But most of all Id love to have my husbands Auburn room to meet his wonderful needs. He works hard and needs a place to relax. He is so wonderful to keep his clothes their already, a comfy sofa bed couch not the gross one we have now. He would love one with a chaise, he still misses our old couch we had to sale, it had HIS perfect spot. Two separate closet areas for his work clothes, uniforms, boots and such and then another place for his “normal” clothes and shoes. Id love his closet to be updated with drawers and shelves so he can put his baseball cards and set up his awards. Id love to get his jersey framed. And all his autographed items framed properly and to his liking. So he finally can just enjoy his time, and his space, and not have to work so hard. Feel rewarded for his sacrifice he makes for our family.
Id love his shed to be vamped up, a place for all his tools. All his lawn stuff set up, to easily access it. He wants a good push lawn mower, and weed eater. Simple things but something he loves to go into. A pleasure to do what he really wants to do. A nice big area to get a nice charcoal grill so we can enjoy being outside, we all feel so much better being outside. A shaded area over my beautiful bar table. The outside of the house not painted lame colors, a lovely shade of green with navy shutters, and a beautiful door.
With all that, Id love for it to be ready to rent for when the Navy moves us. All up to code and legal, safe. A place people want to pay good rent. Even if we keep majority of our stuff here to rent it out for families that don’t have everything yet. But just rent ready. A way to make some money and get our house paid for quick when we are gone, so we don’t have to worry. A place everyone will want to live so we don’t have a lull in renting and be scared to make our rent in one place and pay for this place too. No worries, id like a no worries rentable house.
But I know this isn’t all possible. I know its a dream. I ginormous dream. So living in reality. Id really just like to have all our family photos and special items up on the wall. My daughters room done, all her stuff in it. Our cabinets painted. The garage, everything moved out and put up at least pegboard and a place to hang the clothes I sale. Craigslist cabinets to store some stuff. It painted a fantastic color. So I have my place. His Auburn room finished so he has a place to relax. A good bed for me and a bigger bed for my daughter. Our bed moved to downstairs for company. And the upstairs guest room ready for kids and adults to stay. So we can have LOTS of family and friends visiting. Mainly the last thing! haha a NEW DISHWASHER, and a WORKING TOILET downstairs. This is how this blog all started.
Sorry for my GINORMOUS vent. Thanks for reading my dreams and reality. It was nice to take a break from writing about my past and thinking about my future but Ill be back to that soon. I have a story to tell, a story I know many of you share. I want to be a voice for all those that have gone through incest and rape. For families, friends, strangers to read and understand what you’re going through and know how to react. But my house being done, would really help with having time and not feeling guilty about writing and making posts!
But before I am off on another tangent, talk to you soon.