Love and Support can Come From Anyone

Loving The Bad Man

Loving the Bad Man

Having dealt with rape and incest, I find myself always trying to read, watch, find anything about the subject. So scrolling on Netflix, I found this movie, I watched it.  It was clearly Christian based so it spiked my interest.

“God turns the worst things imaginable into the best things”

It was a good movie. It was to the extreme of how forgiveness can heal you.

To me, it was hope. In the end her family in accepted their daughter who was raped, keeping her baby from her rapist, but also her decision to forgive him. The extreme by visiting him in prison and showing him love.

Dealing with rape and incest, my family has been one of my hardest struggle. Some still talk to my brother. That really bothers me. Something I am trying to understand. For me, it’s like how can you still do that, after he did that to me.  They in the past, put me in situations that make me beyond uncomfortable.

After first telling them about the abuse, it was the worst. It was hard cause my brother, overdosed and was found days later by his girlfriend. (Who also was his babies momma of a young girl, the reason I finally spoke up). Anyways. I got a text saying his kidneys stopped working. Having a background in exercise and anatomy I realized the huge deal of kidney failure.

I had to make a decision to go back the 12 hrs to my family or not. I hadn’t seen them since I told them what my brother had done.

I knew I had to go back to support my family.  I didn’t want anyone to think I was going back to support B, my brother.

For me dealing with this after not talking with them since I told them, was probably not the best time for me to visit when their sole focus was on my brothers life.

My middle brother, K picked me up from the train station. He told me that he was sorry for what happened and it made him so angry. For me, that was comforting. The first time I felt support.

But it was short lived. My parents never acknowledged what I said to them.  They didn’t say a word about how difficult it might be to be there. It was extremely hard to sit there and see all the care and attention they gave him.

When I told them of the molestation. I think I got one email from my dad. We did fight off texting from them in the beginning. (I’ll go into that later) But it was extremely hurtful to see. It made me feel like I wasn’t as important to them as him. Especially painful because I had done nothing wrong to deserve what he had done to me. He had done this to himself, he made the decision to use drugs over and over, he knew the risk. (Yes, I completely understand the disease. I worked in a drug and eating disorder rehab for 6 months) but my brother had been through rehab several times. He had been clean more times than we could count. He new the risks.

My cousin I mentioned earlier, mom, my aunt, she called me and said the most comforting thing. That my parents support to my brother right now didn’t mean they approved of what he did but for their sake, if he did die. That they had closer that they were there and did all they could.

I wish it had come from my parents. But I was glad it had come from someone.

My brother unbelievable turned around. He lost use of his arm (which I think has come back even). The most nerve racking thing was sitting in a hospital room with him conscious. My middle brother had told me that before this happened that my older brother had told some people that I was spreading lies about him and some people that showed up might be very angry with me.

Made me so angry. Really, why would anyone believe that I’d make something up, especially so late in life. They didn’t know me. But still. Really world?

So I think before I left we celebrated Mother’s Day or maybe it was my moms birthday at my aunts house. No one warned me that my brother and his girlfriend and their baby would be there.

Made me so angry. The whole reason I told, was to keep him away from that little girl and there they were together. Devastating to me.

I left to go back the 12 hrs home and I was heartbroken. I lost my job for the month and half I spent with my family, supporting them while he was in the hospital.  I returned to Florida the most depressed in my life. To me, my brother showing up, back in my family life. Was more than a slap in the face.

It was several gloomy weeks. I was stuck in an apartment I couldn’t afford. My “boyfriend” (now my husband but weren’t really dating, or together at the time, I will go into that later) at the time was working some but together couldn’t make rent and every other bill on our own.

I finally lost it. I was drinking all the time.  Trying to take pain medicine (Tylenol, ibuprofen) I would’ve taken anything I could get my hands on. Finally one night after I drank so much and took so much stuff told my “boyfriend” I needed to go to the hospital.  I told them that I just wanted to take the pain away. That I didn’t want to die but I was scared what would happen. That I needed help. I just needed help. They admitted me and later sent me to a rehab center.

It was the hardest days of my life but also rewarding. I kept waiting for my parents to come. Or to even contact me. I had to call them. It kept me crying and crying. I watched them with my brother and I needed them and they didn’t come.

I spent almost 2 weeks there I think. My “boyfriend” came to visit every day. One of the workers there often spoke with me. I finally opened up to him and told him my issue with my family not calling or coming. That I didn’t want to ask them. I didn’t want them to tell them to come. That I wanted them to do this for me because I felt like I put my whole life on hold, my pride, pain everything to go there and support them. But nothing was returned.

The guy working there finally told me something that stuck. That family isn’t always blood. That it’s the people around you that support you, that can count on to be there for you.  That he’d seen my “boyfriend” come to visit every time he could. And that maybe I needed to focus more on the people that have been there. I decided to cut off most of my family for a while.

After changing my thinking about family, I soon began feeling better. I didn’t speak to mainly my parents for several months. They didn’t speak to me either, but made me feel better that it was in my control.

I guess this relates to the movie because the girl in the movie really struggled with her relationship with mainly her dad and that made her feel vulnerable and alone.  And her friend from work was waiting there for her. To be there for her.

I think that’s where the quote. And I probably shouldn’t quote it from my memory but the rapist prison friends said something like…

“God turns the worst things imaginable into the best things”

And I think that’s true. I learned that my “boyfriend” and his mom would be there. Soon after that he became my boyfriend no quotes, then fiancé, then husband.

I also started contacting people that were there for me in college. And a few other friends. It made me remember God puts people and situations in your life for a reason.

In no way do I agree or disagree with this movies decision not to abort her baby.  I have come to realize my abortion views are up and down. I don’t know what to think about God’s view on abortion.

I took the morning after pill when I was raped. Many think that’s a form of abortion. My dad, the pharmacist explained it wouldn’t kill an already fertilized egg (baby) but would stop it from happening if it hadn’t yet happened. That’s what determined my choice.

But honestly. I had been promiscuous during college and had many scary moments of am I pregnant, and would have probably considered abortion.

To me that’s the church part. Where I wouldn’t want the church to know I had sex before I was married. So instead I would abort a baby.  But what I believe the Christian thing would be to teach that this does happen. And you will still be loved by God.  Same as if you were to choose abortion.

It comes down to those core rules the church teaches when you’re young. I think there isn’t enough emphasis on Gods forgiveness and love.  That we shouldn’t condemn the people that don’t follow those rules but love them.

Again feel free to discuss or comment. I hope this helps if you’re going through or have been through something like this.



3 thoughts on “Love and Support can Come From Anyone

  1. This is so good! I will definitely have to watch that movie. Top of the Lake on Netflix has incest also. I know it is frustrating to see B get bailed out and loved time and again when you're probably having a hard time seeing the conscious effort at love on your side of things. Get and give love where you can I guess!

    • I never told you that I did watch this tv series. It was, hate to say comfort but comfort to watch but it was good to see how she even picked a job to help young people escape what had happened (sexual abuse) to her but it still brought back many memories, flooding her at random times of her job and her life. It is good knowing when we are struggling with something, that we aren’t the only ones. That their are others, real or “fake” it is great comfort. Thanks for suggesting me watch Top of the Lake!

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