My blog will go back and forth between significant events in my life. I think it might be important to first share a few things first.
For at least 7 years I was molested by my older brother. It started when I was 5 it continued for a long time. He was always “troubled”. Eventually he was put in a program to help him, military related. But he’d come back on breaks and still continue to molest me.
When he went into the Marines and he was actually in boot camp, I sent him a letter. That I knew what he had done was wrong but I forgave him. I thought it wouldn’t happen again but it did, when I was 16. He was out of the Marines by then, honorable discharged for medical reasons. He had always been on and off drugs for as long my family can remember. I thought becaus I had forgiven him things were ok between us. I really thought that part of my life was over.
But my parents went out of town, left him in charge. He tried again, I was 16 now and resisted. But he was still incharge of me for days. I locked myself in my room for the rest of the week. I only came out for food when I knew he wasn’t there, didn’t go to school for 4 days. I told my parents that my stomach troubles acted up and no one questioned it.
After that I learned he was more than troubled. That he was a predator. That just because I forgave him didn’t mean it changed him. That I had to take control, and not myself in situations that would leave me by myself with him.
From then on, I’d cry when my parents would put me in a situation alone with him. They were clueless. They just think it was because he was, “B”. I’d get nervous I’d run into him. I hated him and feared him for a long time.
I will also discuss a rape that happened my senior year of college. I had been hanging out with friends at their college. We met two guys earlier that day, just normal talk hey and what’s up.
I had surgery just a few weeks before. I had even told a romantic friend and a best friend that day I didn’t even want to be touched anytime soon, the idea even hurt. I had an appendectomy and a hernia in my stomach repaired.
Later that night most of us had been drinking. I had a few beers but nothing like I would normally. We saw the guys from earlier. They came up to the balcony at their dorm. My best friend came back with her boyfriend. He knew the guys. Apparently later not as well as he let on.
We talked about going to Cookout, I could never pass on cookout. I should have know. Women’s intuition is a real thing but very hard to learn to trust it. I asked my best friends boyfriend 3 times if I could trust them, RED FLAGS I ignored.
We got in their car and I remember them driving so fast, it made me incredibly nervous. Suddenly we stopped at a house. They insisted I came in but I told them that’s ok twice. But then I began to be scared not to go in.
I should have run then. I just remember walking in and them both going opposite directions. I followed one to the room closest to the door. I remember back to the hallway near the door and brick wall in front of me. One came up behind me and the other from the front.
I was in complete shock. I had no idea what was even happening. They both raped me as I screamed no, stop, I just had surgery. Over and over. Kicking and screaming. I finally got free to the side of the room with the brick wall behind me. They just stood there. I put my clothes on and didn’t know what to do but run outside.
I never knew how much these two completely separate events would intertwine. But they do. In my heart, in my head. That night the molestation, the rape became real.
I think it’s also important to say as a start of this blog I was raised in a “Christian” home. I use quotations. Because my view now of Christian is much different than how I was raised. Now I view it more as being raised by the “Church”.
Always told sex was bad. Don’t do drugs, don’t drink alcohol. Follow the commandments. Respect my parents. Nothing that was bad really. Just all based on this book from years ago. Rules to follow. Lots of rules. I was raised with all these rules. The normal rules most people either know personally by being raised in the church or have been attacked by for not following or believing them.
I guess from about 4th grade, when I realized I wasn’t a normal church girl or a normal girl at all when my friend talked about wanting her first kiss and me thinking and asking something about doesn’t your brother do stuff? That’s when I realized what my brother had been doing was wrong. I always knew to hide it. But I didn’t fully understand what was happening to me.
But this made me realize that I wasn’t a normal church girl. And that in its own made me feel guilty. And wrong. And dirty. It had been taught not to do these things yet these things happened to me.
The church doesn’t talk enough about that. About situations you’re involved in but wasn’t your fault. It’s always ask for forgiveness and you’ll be forgiven.
I think a lot of people turn away from the church because of things like this. They ignore these issues. It doesn’t come up. If it does, ask for forgiveness, which in turn makes the victim feel guilty.
My belief in God is bigger than what I learned in church. My Christianity is believing God sees the bigger picture. He isn’t there to keep us safe but to use us for a bigger purpose. A purpose we might not even see till years later. But the God I love, is always there. Even when He is quiet. Even if you don’t understand what’s going on. He is there.
I’ll go on more about all that, I’m sure in this blog. That’s its purpose.
I’m not a writer. My grammar has always stunk. I wish I had paid more attention in English class. I’m known for long thought process and no periods or commas or anything proper and for that I apologize now.
But this isn’t for grammar, it’s for therapy. For a voice. For others to see they are not alone.
Please feel free to email me anytime. Comment away. Question my beliefs and views. I encourage it. I don’t want to judge anyone. I realized a long time ago, you never know what someone has been through that makes them act, think or behave. You never known how you would respond if you had to live their life.
It’s also not about “Christianity” or The Church. It’s just hope somehow it creates a voice to open eyes that God didn’t make the world as simple as follow these rules and life will be great. This is also not an attack on all churches, as a military wife, I’ve found many churches that have been great!
Thanks for reading. And again, please chime in!